you can read me anything.

as far as i'm concerned, there's only one way up

insomnia. the good kind, when you know you don't have to wake up early.

Something has been happening lately. Over the past few months I have been on this roller-coaster of ups and downs that's just been taking me in steady circles. According to hundreds of novels, movies, parents, and psychology professors, I'm just a student who is about to graduate from college. Right?

But honestly, I think the problem really roots itself in the fact that I have a hard time believing people when they tell me that I can do whatever I want. It society today, that seems so untrue. Everyone around me is constantly being limited and restricted, and whatever it is that we want to do sort of gets lost in the translation of just trying to make it work. Trying to get to wherever we want to go. Trying to be whatever we need to be in order to go further. Until we all end up confused as hell as to how the fuck we got to wherever we are standing. 

I guess sometimes you've just got to take a step backward and ask yourself what you've really got control over. Honest control, where you determine the exact outcome, which truly turns out to be whatever you saw it becoming. And it's almost nothing, isn't it? The choices we make can only take us so far, because whether or not we like it, we were created to coexist and so much of the shit that's going to happen to me is really going to depend on you guys and the people I surround myself with and billions of people I'll never even pass on the street.

So can I do whatever I want? I'm not really sure yet. I'm still trying to figure that out. I want to do what I want to do, and I want to do it in a way that pushes my limits without forfeiting my goals. Somedays I get the feeling that the reality of the situation is pretty damn grim, and then somedays, like today, I get this overwhelming sense that I'm going to find a way to make it work. There are so many ways to be happy and so many places you can find comfort or strength or humor or awe, and as long as I don't lose that, then I think a change is going to be okay. Something's terrible, but there will be something else around to cancel it out.

As for the rest of it, it's got to come in stride because whether I appreciate it or not, things are going to play themselves out. I had a really fucking shitty day a few days back, but because that day was shitty, today was better. And I think I'm starting to understand that everything is relative and the only way we can feel anything at all is through comparison and experience. I like that, because it gives me this feeling that whatever is happening to me at this point in my life is going to be important someday. 

I spoke with my mom a fews days back about wanting to break down and cry one minute and feeling overwhelming excitement the next, and she told me that things were happening. That I needed to pay attention. And then it hit me - I think I'm growing up. I haven't felt like this, probably ever, and it's pretty damn strange. And when I told her this she thought for a minute and told me that I didn't have to be ready, and I didn't have to be prepared, but I had to be open to whatever was coming. And so that's what I'm going to try to do. To let things inside, to let them affect me, and to submerse myself into this supposed transition. 

In this life there are no rules, and there are no honest definitions. This is why we’ve got to learn to create our own. 

You can’t let yourself feel terrible forever because of something that happened in October. You can't live in a rut and call that a life. You can't put others around you before yourself all the time and think that counts as love. You can't let yourself be terrified that you're going to amount to nothing at all, or hide from the good things because it hurts so much when they go away. Because in the end, everything that happens happened, and that is enough. You can face it a false smile, or a breath of youthful excitement. You can allow yourself to cry, smoke too much pot, shut everything out. Or you can accept the fact that whatever happened came and went in this life where nothing, good nor evil, lasts forever. And you can take it with you, knowing that no matter what, this is life, and it doesn’t stand still for anybody. The world may slow down, but it won't stop. Cruelly yet fairly, ever so beautifully, the sun will rise in the morning and it will set that night. 

Tomorrow I might wake up terrified again. But for now, at least, all I can see is the good. Maybe the world is fucked, but we’re all still here. We are all still living life, alive and breathing, and in the end it’s those inhales and exhales that keep us ahead, keep us waking up in the morning; kissing, fighting, dreaming, sighing, laughing, playing, drinking, crying. If we can keep track of the in and out of the most important resource on earth, I think we might actually end up okay.

So for now, that is what I know, and for now, it may just be enough.

the wrestler

go rent it.

You know those songs that you wish were written for you?

They don't have to be completely happy and they don't have to be intensely charming. They just have to be real. To remind you that people still feel things, sometimes.

20. French Kiss - The Teenagers
I can't help it. Really. I tried to get it off the list.

19. I Am Trying to Break Your Heart - Wilco
Beauty full.

18. I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) - The Proclaimers
Dedication.

17. In A Little While - U2
Bono.

16. Someday - The Strokes
Sexy.

15. Barricade - Stars
Tragic.

14. What Else Would You Have Me Be? - Lucero
Be.

13. True Love Way - Kings of Leon
Want.

12. La Cienega Just Smiled - Ryan Adams
Sigh.

11. Ocean of Noise - Arcade Fire
Forgive.

10. Love Me Tenderly - The Felice Brothers
Love.

9. A.M. 180 - Granddaddy
Cute.

8. The Temptation of Adam - Josh Ritter
Perfect.

7. All of My Days - Alexi Murdoch
Sweet.

6. My Favourite Chords - The Weakerthans
Innocent.

5. First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes
Conor.

4. Born to Run - Bruce Springsteen
Freedom.

3. Consequence - The Notwist
Empathy.

2. I'll Be Your Lover, Too - Van Morrison
(You could switch this out for Brown Eyed Girl, I'd bat for both teams on this one).

1. Romeo and Juliet - Dire Straits
Obviously there is no greater love song ever written on the face of the planet.



Stay tuned for the next 12:30 A.M. snack - songs I wish I'd written...

You learn something new every day.

Yes, you certainly do. 

re-write

I take back what I said yesterday... I really think have found my true life calling:

NOW CASTING "GHOST HUNTERS: NEW GENERATION"

Grant Wilson, future father of my unborn children, pick me.

And when you are left in doubt, inhale.

Hi.

Three months into 2009 and I am back. And for whatever it is worth, I think I am standing in a really good place, for now.

I am about to graduate into an economy that has very little to offer me, and for the past couple of months, that really been fucking me up. But now, as of late, I am choosing to embrace it. Keep your enemies closer, right? Whatever will be will be, and everything within my control will determine my next steps. It's really a powerful thing when you realize that nobody can sway your direction unless you choose to let them.

90 days went by and I went home for Christmas and realized I missed my friends but never wanted to live in Wyoming again. I turned 22 and I grew up a little. I realized that I want to go back to school and get a four year degree to teach elementary school. My dad had a heart attack and I started to pray again, a little, but on my own terms. I grew apart from things I held onto for so long in my past, and from that growth I let new people into my life, and have loved every second of it. I learned to look at my goddamn alcohol class as an opportunity rather than a punishment. I stopped smoking. I taught my first art class by myself. I got straight A's. I went to Disneyland and remembered what it feels like to be little and happy and free. 

About a week ago, a very brave woman told me that nobody can ever really know the profound effect they may have on somebody else. And it made me start to think about things a little bit differently. You are not only living for you. You are living for others. And good or bad, you can change people. And you can allow them to change you. That's how the world works and that's how we grow up and wake up and continue to function through the 8 foot deep shitpool we sometimes find ourselves drowning in. I like that. I really do.

So now, I think my goal is to keep my eyes open for all of this change, and to let it empower me. To realize that no matter how terrible things like these 52 court ordered AA meetings may seem, they are around for a reason. This same woman I mentioned before also told me that night that my presence at these meetings might not be solely intended to educate me - that me being there might actually help somebody else, if only to feel a little bit more comfortable. And that is a risk I am willing to look at as a positive rather than a punishment.

In the end, this is what I know: There is sunshine, and I have strength and long hair and clothing and a roof and talent and a library card. I may have no real concrete plans, but I have people who care about me, and I know what I want. I figure that is as good a start as any.

Here's some pictures from the past 3 months of my life, FYEO.

Natalie came home :)

M. Ward came to the Fonda

Delta Spirit came to the El Rey

The sun came out.

I found God at the mission in San Juan.

We went to Laguna a few times.

Delta Spirit changed my life.

San Clemente was fun.

Flowers came out to play in LA.

A new coffee place opened by our apartment and we went there practically everyday. 

I turned 22.

Joshua James played at Hotel Cafe.

the resolution(s)

OK. Here's the plan. For me and no one else:

Eat more. Drink more. Write more. Love more. Cook more. Do more things. Meet more people. Get a job that pays. Stay in California. Find new places. 

Remember the interesting-ness in life. 

Accept more. 

Sleep less. Whine less. Feel less sorry when insignificant shitty stuff happens to me and not somebody else. 

Take care of myself and take care of other people in the ways that I know how.

Happy 2009, ya  big jerks!

top 11 things i have been doing lately

1. Reading newlywed couples' blogs. It's cute and annoying at the same time.

2. Shopping at Michael's.

3. Watching loads of made-for-TV Christmas movies on Fox Family.

4. Listening to the new Killers album.

5. Reading my Chinese horoscope, (thanks, You). 

I am a Fire-Rabbit. 

I am Keen, Wise, Fragile, Tranquil, Serene, Considerate, Fashionable, Sneaky, & Obsessive. 

Some of my Hobbies and Pastimes include: Writing poetry, hiking, planting gardens and trees, chatting with friends.

My Rabbit Dislikes are: **Touchy-feely people, abrupt curves in their routines, disorganization.

**I love touchy feely people, but everything else seems pretty accurate.

Also, in case you guys wanted to know what to get me for Christmas, here are a few ideas: 

Suitable Gifts: Tapestry kit, CD, fine wine, easel, lyrics book

6. Deciding upon the worst song of all time, which happens to be Rock Me Amadeus by Falco. If you really want to watch the music video, I won't stop you.




7. Starting my own Etsy site, which you will be able to view at some point in the foreseeable future, I think.

8. Eating hummus.

9. Making Christmas presents for the handful of people I still like.

10. Homework.

11. Listening to Rob Pattinson cover Van Morrison.

sometimes i feel just like this.

rocktober: a month in review

october has been over for 12 days, and santa is now painting the pharmacies red & green, which i guess signifies the eminent force that is christmas nearing. and that's okay. i'm glad the month over and i'm glad that everything is moving forward, because there were times when i would've been okay with the world completely stopping. through the good moments that i wanted to last forever, to the moments that made me feel like my life was literally going to end, october passed and eased its way into a glowing november. an awful and costly mistake that was made countered some of the best live shows i have ever seen, an economic crash lead us to a new president and a new sense of hope, an election that brought a country to life. through everything, i moved forward and now, 12 days later, i am still here and i'm genuinely okay.

i want to thank everybody who helped me move forward. for their kind words and understanding and the undaunted courage to make me laugh when i could hardly breathe. there is no way for me to express how much it means to know that there are others in the world who refuse to judge in hope for truth, and i love you all.

anyway, here are a couple of worthwhile ways to spend a few of hours. see you there, come and say hi! bring your friends. eat, drink, enjoy great live music. remember how damned important it is to let yourself have some fun.

october 2008 as seen and documented by hannah stayner:

a photographic log of a month in review.

Halloween Satan Stomp in Laguna Beach

w/ My Pet Saddle & The Growlerrrrs

Felice Brothers @ The Troubadour

our pumpkins!

Halloween in OC

House of Blues

Happy November to you all, lovelies.

Give thanks, give love, have fun, and be happy.

victoryyyy!

i hear all the time that any transformation is based upon progress. which is true, in the end, or else where the hell are we headed? sometimes it just hurts to know that you have to wait. and that whatever you're waiting for isn't even guaranteed. an absolution that may never come. is there an end to anything, or are we always attempting to go further? is that right, or is that wrong. should we ever just settle?

i am thrilled. i am inspired not only by a man, but by my fellow americans. by the hope i saw on my television screen and heard throughout my apartment complex on the night of November 4. hope that overshadowed fear, and anger, and hate. and i am proud. i talked to my father, who was in tears, as he and all his friends recited that honest declaration of hope along with over 200,000 people on one television screen. he said, 'my vote was for you.' and that's that. thanks, dad.

proposition 8 passed on the same night that our country voted in a black man as our nation's president. victory and heartbreak. i was able to pick the leader whom i think will, eventually, bring us back to life, and yet the man who chose my name on the night i was born is not allowed to marry the one he has been with since long before. we have come so far and i can't help questioning if i should just be grateful for that or wonder when the fuck we are going to get our shit together and go further. progress. 

things are going to get shitty. a lot of people will say i told you so. but unless you are open to the fact that the world changes, you are going to get continuously let down. obama is our president, and that is so because people stood up for what they believed in and knew that they could change. if we're not together, then clearly, we've fallen apart.

why can't a campaign be something as simple as love, not war? and why can't the one person you actually want to be with be here and not there, not a million miles away? nothing is ever solved. battles are won and people regain hope but we wake up tomorrow in the same life that we shut our eyes on the night before, and we go forward. because whether or not you voted, that's the way it goes.

yes we can.

yes we did.

congratulations to everybody everywhere. 

tonight i am genuinely proud.

so it goes.

I log in to check my email and here is the exact list of top new stories I see:

World shares head for worst month ever

Obama, McCain hit economy in the push to Tuesday

Texas floats plan to house Ike victims aboard ship

Suicide bomber kills nine in NW Pakistan

Sophisticated attack leaves 77 dead in India

Blue Angels remove 2 from duty, only 5 jets to fly

Man sets self aflame at Seattle college and dies

Beaten down, American consumers burrow deeper

So now I am left wondering if there is any good left in our world at all.

My mom told me last night that sometimes bad things happen to good people. And she is right. A half-brother cannot financially support his family and avoids his father out of humiliation. A mentor's nephew attempts to hang himself. A roommate's dog is put to sleep. A best friend's father is diagnosed with a form of cancer that could not have been prevented. A mistake completely fucks up the next two years of your life, drains your bank account and drains your soul. An oldest friend and a younger sister question love when in reality, they deserve it more than anybody in the world that I can possibly think of. A country is terrified and confused and faced with a decision that will change the way we are living no matter the outcome. 

Sometimes it seems like everyone is hurting, everyone is wanting something that they don't think they have. 

I have heard one thousand times that everything happens for a reason. But if there is a reason for all of this, I am either truly naive, or incapable of understanding. It's so hard to have hope when everything around you keeps on falling the fuck down. But in reality, what else can you do? If you can't fix something physically, then you sure as hell better fix it mentally, or a new headline prevails: We really are going nowhere.

Here is some pathetic consolation that honestly should kick you in the ass every now and then. No matter how bad you think you have it - no matter who the hell is kicking you when you're already down - somebody in this world has it worse than you. This can either cause you to feel petty and selfish, or it can give you a dose of realism that is desperately needed in society today.

You will get a job. You will survive the next two years of probation and figure out a way to pay your fines. You will find happiness. You will find love. You will graduate on time. You will reconcile with your loved ones. You will grow up. You will smile again. And without a doubt, you will complain and cry and hurt so much that you can hardly breathe, but in the end, what the fuck else can you do?

October will end and November will begin, and life will continue whether you want it to or not. So in the words of my mother, the saint: have faith in whatever it is that you need to have faith in while understanding that others around you are doing exactly the same. We are united, even through fear, even through sadness, even through humiliation, and thus, we are selfish to think that we are ever truly alone.

 

xoxo

So we watched the debate finally and there were points where I could hardly breathe. That's when I realized that I haven't really cared about anything lately as much as I care about the election. I think I need to be in love. Or get an animal. 

You can tell me that "he" is, in the end, the man like all the rest before. But here's the thing: I can't vote for you. I can take the little bit of freedom that I have and use it how I see fit, with the understanding that maybe my hope does sometimes overshadow my "intelligence." But that's life, man. I can cross my fingers and hope that is enough. 

Just don't say sorry, I'm not totally ignorant. 

***

So I've jumped on the LA bandwagon and been feeling totally shitty and just completely sorry for myself, which is lame because we've been rewatching season 2 of Twin Peaks and it's been blowing my mind for roughly 2 hours a night this past week. It's just that there's so much negative shit going around right now like a virus, and you can tell, even walking around downtown, that people are totally bumming the fuck out. Living in this perpetual state of numbed caution is pretty damn terrifying. 

I was talking to my dad the other night which is a semi-rare but fantastic occurrence, and (as with all recent conversations with pretty much anybody tend to do lately), talk turned to the goddamned economy. How he is afraid for friends and family and how the end to whatever we're living through probably won't come for a lot longer than it will take me to graduate college. F.u.c.k.

But at some point you've just got to accept where you stand in the world and the roles that you are playing in your everyday life, and understand that a lot of our fate truly is out of your hands. That which is not out of your hands (yet) is that which you still have the ability to change. And this is something that we do not have to be afraid of. So go ahead and trust your own personal choice of god, trust Obama, trust yourself; trust Secret Agent Dale Cooper and the genius of David Lynch. Trust a friend that will listen to the Silversun Pickups and smoke with you in a parking lot at three in the morning. Trust the ocean currents, or the fact that the stars are going to come out every night without fail because that is simply what they do. 

Now is the time when people are going to need to start seeing their lives for what they are and not what they are not, whether that is completely shitty or completely beautiful. Because in the end, isn't the only real difference between what you've got and what you need that the things you need can't really leave you? 

I guess you just have to keep telling yourself that no matter what we are losing, there are constants that will remain if you allow them to. My brother's short stories, Weezer's Blue Album, snow in October, Oki Dog, polaroids of my parents' first Christmas together a million years ago, smoggy skylines, Montana highways. People have waded through knee-deep shit before. People will drown in it before anything gets better. And thus, focusing on the things in your life that you have and the things you can still control has never been more difficult, but never been more important. 

My opinion, for what it's worth. Which is probably just about nothing if you ask wallstreet. 

Today is a good day to flex the muscles of the weary,
A miracle's a miracle even when it's ordinary.
We will walk on the water even though it seems scary,
If someone will show us the way.

He said, "Do unto yourself as you do unto your neighbor -
It's not an eye for an eye, It's a favor for a favor.
And it's okay if this world has a billion saviors,
'Cause there's so many things to be saved."

-Cloud Cult

just a thought

if you aren't voting then you don't have the right to complain. so shut the eff up about moving to canada and pick up a ballot. 

dear everybody,

Have an opinion, please.

And then take that opinion and do something proactive with it. 

Not only is this your responsibility, but this is your right.

Love,

Hannah



It's clear, and I get it. Our economy is in the shitter and it's going to take a long time to get back out. But it's also going to take more than signatures and 700 billion dollars - it's going to take a group of people banding together in order to spark change.

So this is how I see it. It is entirely clear that the state of America today is somewhat undesirable. Yet somewhere inside of me, I still have the urge to defend my country because honestly, I have enough hope that through all of this complete and utter shit, we will be okay. To me, it seems that America can best be represented by its citizen body rather than its government and the decisions that Washington has made. Because hey, these are the citizens who have changed together and attempted to change one another, who have fought for freedoms and equality and the understanding that each one of us deserves. These are citizens who do care about the economy and who have supported the evolution of civil rights and donated time and money to aiding the less fortunate.

America consists of a mass of people in which the majority is good. Yes, I genuinely believe that. And because of these people, I also believe that no matter the negative views on the country, we, the people, make up America. Because of the enormous strides our country has taken throughout history to become what we are today, we exist in a country where liberty has been fought for and earned and is now our birthright. So long as the citizens can influence the government to use this in a proactive way, right or left or red or blue or green or whatever, I think we will be all right. It will take a while to get back on our feet and stand tall, of course, but doesn’t every great change need a beginning and a middle to see an end?

So yeah, America will continue to make mistakes. That is my prediction. That is the nature of politics, of the economy, and of the social class. Yet I also predict that through these mistakes, no matter how fucking gigantic they may seem, will come vast changes and better times. We're gonna be okay, someday, all the while remembering that sometimes it takes huge losses to receive huge gains. Violence, suffering, and severe economic failure have been an enormously influential part of our past, and there is no doubt in my mind that our future will see its fair share of the aforementioned. But what we cannot do is focus solely on the negative when there are so many great and vast accomplishments that we have seen as well. Let us not reside in a country based upon the foundations of fear; let us reside, instead, in a country based upon the ethics of a great and influential hope. 

From an unstoppable 23 year old boy in Hawaii with huge things ahead of him to a man - a team - standing before our country and simply asking people to give a fuck - change is everywhere, so long as you take what has been given to you and use it however you see fit. Based on fact, based on opinion, and based upon hope. So you may not like either candidate. I've heard a million times in the past couple months, "It's like voting for the lesser of two evils." But that is absolutely no reason not to voice the opinions you hold on the viewpoints that either man will fight for in order to make your country better.

Guys, you live in a country where people have literally fought for the right that we all (aside from convicts and those 17 and under) hold today. As I look across the globe, it seems selfish not to realize that I am incredibly lucky and blessed to be an American voter, and I will exercise my freedoms in order to make a better tomorrow because not only is it my Constitutional right as a citizen, but it is my obligation. 

It seems to me that what so often goes overlooked in the midst of overwhelming pessimism is America’s great and powerful ability to embrace the fact that the world changes. And the fact that each change that our country has seen to this day has initially required a mass of people to voice the need for transformation and to stand up against judgment and fear for what is right. Each has required people to listen and understand. And each has required a general governmental consent. In all of these cases, those needs have by and large been fulfilled. Because in America, when the people speak loud enough, the government is forced to listen. More often that is credited, positive reactions are the result.

I do not think there will ever be a time when our country can honestly say that as a nation, we have come as far as we need to go. Each individual, group, political party, and the president, along with many more still, will continue to fight for acknowledgement, power, and success. Because people still care. Countless minds will be opened from generation to generation only because so many people want to attempt to make America better. To create a much needed change. To start a revolution through the opening of ears, eyes, and hearts. And with each day, no matter how little it may seem, a bit of progress is being made somewhere, somehow.

Yeah, you can call me a bit naïve as I have chosen to focus on the positive in hopes that tomorrow will be better than today. But as a very great man, who is standing before us where he is today solely because his country embraced an immense change, once said, “There has never been anything false about hope.”

That's it, that's all.

Oh and thanks, God, for Jonah Hill.

our last hope of ending this country's reputation as the assholes of the universe

happy week!

so long, sweet summer.

I guess it's September already, and even though I'm not quite sure how that happened, I think I'm okay with it. 

Maybe fall is time for something different. New internship, new course schedule, fashionweek, Entourage, an amazing concert lineup, new things to look forward to. There will be things ahead that will be hard, and there are things that I cannot yet see that will surprise me. And I'll take all of it and move forward because what other choice do we have?

Due to my two month summer hiatus, here is a photographic log of the end of Summer 2008 set to a backdrop of Wet Hot American Summer, turkey burgers, warm nights, Delta Spirit, and two dollar bottles of wine from Trader Joe's.

Sawdust Art Festival

Sawdust Art Festival in Laguna Beach

Balboa 

Newport

feast

typical summer dinner

bbq

kickin it @ the beach house in newport with people i love

Natalie @ The Gold Room

Josh James @ Hotel Cafe

Manhattan Beach music

Backyard party, 8/08

Pool party

Al eating omelettes 

Granite Hot Springs

GTNP

Josh Ritter @ Grand Targhee Music Fest

Hillary and Charlotte

Josh and Molly

Jenny Lake

Hiking

Kat, Molly, Charlotte

Sunset from the back porch

Cookin hot dogs in the back yard

"The great thing about irony is that it splits things apart, gets up above them so we can see the flaws and hypocrisies and duplicates."

Sometimes, we are just not meant to understand. 

"Fiction-writing's lonely in a way most people misunderstand. It's yourself you have to be estranged from, really, to work."

David Foster Wallace

1962-2008

Rest in peace.

"fear is not the natural state of civilized people" - aung san suu kyi

Throughout the past few weeks, it has become blatantly obvious that we have become afraid and consequently we have become defensive. When you focus on the negative you stop thinking rationally, and that is so incredibly dangerous - especially now. I cannot cannot cannot express enough: this is not a campaign of fear. It is a campaign of hope. 

We cannot know the outcome, and we cannot know that putting our whole hearts into this situation will leave them unbroken. We cannot even know that the decisions and outcomes will be the right ones. But we can hope that what we are doing, whatever it is, will be enough. This is why you have to do something.

We can open our minds and share with others what we know. We can listen and learn and grow. Volunteer. Speak louder and stand up just a little bit taller. All based upon a foundation in which we believe. Consequently, hope remains and will prevail. 

Really, that is all he is asking us to do. Because of him, many have changed, and will continue to change those around them in hopes of evolution, revolution, inspiration and growth. He is asking you not only to hope, but to believe. And to do all that you can in order to show it, especially now when so many people are taking the defensive route and essentially giving up. 

Nothing is over. We have a long way to go and it will be scary and beautiful and completely insane. So he is asking you, as an individual, to give a shit. The simplicity of knowing that because of this, all we truly need to do is act upon the hope we have that tomorrow will be better, makes this all just a little bit less horrifying. Regardless of the outcome, do not go down defeated with your tail between your legs. Do not go down. Fight. Support. Hide your fearful cynicism with proactive competition. Unfaltering in your support for the one who has changed the world through supporting you.

I am not saying think like me, think like him, any.any.any of that. I am simply saying think. 

Think for yourself, think for others, think for today and tomorrow and ten years from now.

Think, react, and for god's sake, exercise your rights as a US citizen. 

But above all things, please: Think.

v.o.t.e

v.o.l.u.n.t.e.e.r

so if we get swallowed by a black hole today...

... none of us will even notice because it will only take 1/20 of a second.



see you guys on thursday!

this is pretty cool.

hi, i'm back.



"I will never forget that the only reason I'm standing here today is because somebody, somewhere stood up for me when it was risky. Stood up when it was hard. Stood up when it wasn't popular. And because that somebody stood up, a few more stood up. And then a few thousand stood up. And then a few million stood up. And standing up, with courage and clear purpose, they somehow managed to change the world." - Barack Obama

guys - no matter what you believe in, it's really cool to give a shit. don't ever forget that.


loves all & goodnight.

united states of ______________

It really freaks me out when I hear what initially sounds like a scream of sheer panic or terror, until I realize that the cry has only come from somebody's kid in the park being tickled, and crying out in joy. That's fucked up, isn't it? How your stomach can go from being completely sick as your nervous system is suddenly alert and your adrenaline instinctually begins to pump. Until you turn and realize that although you thought first to the negative, the only thing you were afraid of was a parent playing with their child. It's a sad state to live in, when you think first of the bad and are actually surprised to see the good. 

But in the end, like I've said a thousand times, you have to continue to allow yourself to see the good or you really will be submersed in shit.

I'm only in a crappy mood because we just finished watching The United States of Leland, which I suppose was meant to be a mood piece about the harshness of reality. To me, it was just this huge failure with a sexy boy playing the lead role. Kevin Spacey bombed! I understand that the movie was made to tell a story, but I can't help wondering - is it really so wrong to hope for a happy ending?

I am not saying that every movie has got to have that cliched Hollywood ending in order for one to leave satisfied. We are not paying 14 bucks for an evening show at the theater to see the same damn ending with each passing film. But the reality of it is that sometimes, things do end up alright.

This is not necessarily a problem of the film, however. I mean the movie had other problems, sure. It was no Oscar nominee, that is for damn certain. So it's more my problem, as I was sitting there just hoping for any one of the characters to even dare to smile (which they did not). The truth of it is that there probably wasn't any good in the story that was being told. And more often than it should be, this is reality. Thus, maybe it's not so much wrong to hope for a happy ending as it is to be disappointed when there simply isn't one. It's human nature to wish for the good, isn't it? Because if it wasn't, I do not think the world would still exist. It just seems like with every single day that passes, it becomes a little bit harder to hope. 

I guess what I'm saying is that I want to use any sort of talent I may possess to make somebody feel better. To show them the good that still exists, and how easy it is to smile, even at the most trivial things. I just can't support a life where sadness dominates the alternative. That's just not life at all, is it?

Anyway, happiness or sadness, I suppose I should just be happy that we can even feel anything at all these days. It's better than being completely numb.

Here is some good that I've seen lately, just for the sake of insomnia and smiling. 

I've started writing again. My mind feels like it's open again, for now, and I'm not going to take that for granted this time. 

I need something to come from it.