popped culture

so when you run, make sure you run to something and not away from

2010-01-19T09:24:00.000-08:00

The Resolution

2010-01-12T11:01:00.000-08:00

Halfway through 2009, I realized that I was unsure of the point I had reached in my life. So I stopped holding expectations for what I thought the future should (or would) be. I didn't want hopes because I didn't want disappointments. I just wanted to see what exactly was going to happen and how it was going to do so. And so I did.

2009 ended with a lot of things brand new.

I graduated from college. I saw something through from start to finish, and I had the support, the companionship, and the respect of those around me who played such an enormously key part in my journey. I could not have done it without those people. I could not have done it alone. Admitting that was one of the hardest things in the world to do, but also one of the most important. Every man is not an island. I am not an island. And I am so, so grateful for that.

I moved from Los Angeles and lost a part of myself and gained a part of myself, too. It's so easy to want what you don't have, because in general, what is truly difficult, is to enjoy what you do have already. I am guilty of both of those things. In LA, I could complain that people were shallow and self centered and self righteous. But I moved, and I don't really believe that I got away from any of that. People everywhere are going to be shallow and self centered and self righteous. So the real challenge is letting it go. Being okay with the fact that it's hard to find people to trust and to love and to surround yourself with. Being okay with the fact that sometimes, you are going to be alone, because being alone is better than the alternative.

I got a job that I have loved and everyday it progresses into something new. I like packing lunches and going to work. I like having new friends and people to laugh with and talk to who understand me and where I am in my life. I like being the at the head of a team of people who are (for the most part) genuinely good. I like clothes (duh), and styling, and paperwork, and advertising, and buying and merchandising independently. I like having a purpose and knowing that things would be altered if I wasn't around.

I built a support system for myself consisting of my faith in the Lord and my faith in general goodness, my mother and father, my incredible new roommate, people I've let into my life, Taylor William Spongberg, my family. The books I've read, the novel I'm writing, the music I listen to, and the photos I take. And a lot of those things are the things that are going to be around regardless of where I go or who I meet. That's comforting. That's how a life should be, I think.

For the first time in my life, I am in a relationship that I can envision lasting. I love him and he adores me and I am lucky for that. I have reached a point where I am confident enough with myself to be confident with somebody else, too. I know now that I can be strong and capable even if I am alone, and so I can be strong and capable with somebody else. I owe him so much for allowing me to grow into who I am, because it wasn't an overnight process. I know that I can be weird, and insecure sometimes. But not so much, anymore. Little by little, I am less, and because of that, ultimately, I am more.

I've learned a lot of things about a lot of people I know and people I thought I knew. Good things, bad things, things that have been overlooked for years. I have experienced frustration. I have experienced let down. And I have been sad. What this all comes down to is the fact that people change, grow, and move on sometimes. Sometimes you outgrow one another, sometimes they leave you behind, and sometimes you move forward with them. Throughout the course of the year, I've learned to accept that, rather than attempting to keep things as they were as I'd done for so long before. Because that is just exhausting, and in the end, the only life that you hold semi-control over is your own. Change can be sad and scary, but it can be necessary, and it can be exhilarating.

In 2009, I know that I let people down. People let me down. Hearts were broken and new lives were started. Friendships were challenged. Motives were questioned. Lines were crossed. Yet still, lives continued in other states and mine, here in California.

All the while, all of these totally great things were happening all around me. Happening to me. My parents were exploring new facets of hope and love that I'd not seen before. Moving forward, together. Opening their hearts. Finding their creative sides. Becoming my friends while still being my teachers... The concept of true, politically incorrect, unabridged family reentered my life for the first time since I was young, and I was reintroduced to a group of crazy people who have helped to turn me into who I am, though I might not have always known it... Distance between my sister and I continues to bring us even closer together, and we are and always will be a unit together... New friends have taught me that things don't always have to be a certain way to qualify a friendship. Nobody has the upper hand. No judgement, no questioning, no manipulation. Just people being together because they like each other and because they want to be. It should be so simple. Friendship should never, ever cause you to feel bad about yourself for no apparent reason.

Through all of those things, as I was changing, I realized, so was everybody else. What an incredible thing to see.

I have heard time after time recently how grateful everyone is to see the end of 2009. And for the most part, I agree. But not because it was a terrible year, because I don't really think that it was. It was a year for learning, a year for feeling, a year for reconstructing, and overall, it was a year for growing up. So I look to 2010 with hope before fear, excitement before negativity, love before letdown, and strength before a white flag.

Maybe some of those things that were left unresolved in '09 will gain closure or seek continuation during the new year. Maybe they will fade away and disappear completely. Maybe monumental things will happen, and maybe the only thing monumental about it will be the ultimate stability that I've found. I have my heart and all of the people I hold inside of it, I have my health, and I have faith.

Whatever happens, the only resolution I choose to uphold throughout this new year is to keep my heart open.

I resolve to allow myself to experience both the good and the bad both, no longer shutting either out in hopes to keep my life stable. To accept both elements because I think I know now that this is the only way I can truly move forward. Everybody deserves both the good and the bad, and if I can remember that, I know that I will be okay.

Happy new year, everyone. Keep your heads high and your fingers crossed, always.

you can read me anything.

2009-05-06T23:46:00.000-07:00

as far as i'm concerned, there's only one way up

2009-04-29T02:31:00.000-07:00

insomnia. the good kind, when you know you don't have to wake up early.

2009-04-24T01:52:00.000-07:00

Something has been happening lately. Over the past few months I have been on this roller-coaster of ups and downs that's just been taking me in steady circles. According to hundreds of novels, movies, parents, and psychology professors, I'm just a student who is about to graduate from college. Right?

But honestly, I think the problem really roots itself in the fact that I have a hard time believing people when they tell me that I can do whatever I want. It society today, that seems so untrue. Everyone around me is constantly being limited and restricted, and whatever it is that we want to do sort of gets lost in the translation of just trying to make it work. Trying to get to wherever we want to go. Trying to be whatever we need to be in order to go further. Until we all end up confused as hell as to how the fuck we got to wherever we are standing.

I guess sometimes you've just got to take a step backward and ask yourself what you've really got control over. Honest control, where you determine the exact outcome, which truly turns out to be whatever you saw it becoming. And it's almost nothing, isn't it? The choices we make can only take us so far, because whether or not we like it, we were created to coexist and so much of the shit that's going to happen to me is really going to depend on you guys and the people I surround myself with and billions of people I'll never even pass on the street.

So can I do whatever I want? I'm not really sure yet. I'm still trying to figure that out. I want to do what I want to do, and I want to do it in a way that pushes my limits without forfeiting my goals. Somedays I get the feeling that the reality of the situation is pretty damn grim, and then somedays, like today, I get this overwhelming sense that I'm going to find a way to make it work. There are so many ways to be happy and so many places you can find comfort or strength or humor or awe, and as long as I don't lose that, then I think a change is going to be okay. Something's terrible, but there will be something else around to cancel it out.

As for the rest of it, it's got to come in stride because whether I appreciate it or not, things are going to play themselves out. I had a really fucking shitty day a few days back, but because that day was shitty, today was better. And I think I'm starting to understand that everything is relative and the only way we can feel anything at all is through comparison and experience. I like that, because it gives me this feeling that whatever is happening to me at this point in my life is going to be important someday.

I spoke with my mom a fews days back about wanting to break down and cry one minute and feeling overwhelming excitement the next, and she told me that things were happening. That I needed to pay attention. And then it hit me - I think I'm growing up. I haven't felt like this, probably ever, and it's pretty damn strange. And when I told her this she thought for a minute and told me that I didn't have to be ready, and I didn't have to be prepared, but I had to be open to whatever was coming. And so that's what I'm going to try to do. To let things inside, to let them affect me, and to submerse myself into this supposed transition.

In this life there are no rules, and there are no honest definitions. This is why we’ve got to learn to create our own.

You can’t let yourself feel terrible forever because of something that happened in October. You can't live in a rut and call that a life. You can't put others around you before yourself all the time and think that counts as love. You can't let yourself be terrified that you're going to amount to nothing at all, or hide from the good things because it hurts so much when they go away. Because in the end, everything that happens happened, and that is enough. You can face it a false smile, or a breath of youthful excitement. You can allow yourself to cry, smoke too much pot, shut everything out. Or you can accept the fact that whatever happened came and went in this life where nothing, good nor evil, lasts forever. And you can take it with you, knowing that no matter what, this is life, and it doesn’t stand still for anybody. The world may slow down, but it won't stop. Cruelly yet fairly, ever so beautifully, the sun will rise in the morning and it will set that night.

Tomorrow I might wake up terrified again. But for now, at least, all I can see is the good. Maybe the world is fucked, but we’re all still here. We are all still living life, alive and breathing, and in the end it’s those inhales and exhales that keep us ahead, keep us waking up in the morning; kissing, fighting, dreaming, sighing, laughing, playing, drinking, crying. If we can keep track of the in and out of the most important resource on earth, I think we might actually end up okay.

So for now, that is what I know, and for now, it may just be enough.

the wrestler

2009-04-22T23:10:00.000-07:00

go rent it.

You know those songs that you wish were written for you?

2009-04-08T00:09:00.000-07:00

They don't have to be completely happy and they don't have to be intensely charming. They just have to be real. To remind you that people still feel things, sometimes.

20. French Kiss - The Teenagers
I can't help it. Really. I tried to get it off the list.

19. I Am Trying to Break Your Heart - Wilco
Beauty full.

18. I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) - The Proclaimers
Dedication.

17. In A Little While - U2
Bono.

16. Someday - The Strokes
Sexy.

15. Barricade - Stars
Tragic.

14. What Else Would You Have Me Be? - Lucero
Be.

13. True Love Way - Kings of Leon
Want.

12. La Cienega Just Smiled - Ryan Adams
Sigh.

11. Ocean of Noise - Arcade Fire
Forgive.

10. Love Me Tenderly - The Felice Brothers
Love.

9. A.M. 180 - Granddaddy
Cute.

8. The Temptation of Adam - Josh Ritter
Perfect.

7. All of My Days - Alexi Murdoch
Sweet.

6. My Favourite Chords - The Weakerthans
Innocent.

5. First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes
Conor.

4. Born to Run - Bruce Springsteen
Freedom.

3. Consequence - The Notwist
Empathy.

2. I'll Be Your Lover, Too - Van Morrison
(You could switch this out for Brown Eyed Girl, I'd bat for both teams on this one).

1. Romeo and Juliet - Dire Straits
Obviously there is no greater love song ever written on the face of the planet.

Stay tuned for the next 12:30 A.M. snack - songs I wish I'd written...

You learn something new every day.

2009-04-07T09:22:00.001-07:00

Yes, you certainly do.

re-write

2009-04-02T16:06:00.000-07:00

I take back what I said yesterday... I really think have found my true life calling:

NOW CASTING "GHOST HUNTERS: NEW GENERATION"

Grant Wilson, future father of my unborn children, pick me.

And when you are left in doubt, inhale.

2009-04-01T16:13:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Three months into 2009 and I am back. And for whatever it is worth, I think I am standing in a really good place, for now.

I am about to graduate into an economy that has very little to offer me, and for the past couple of months, that really been fucking me up. But now, as of late, I am choosing to embrace it. Keep your enemies closer, right? Whatever will be will be, and everything within my control will determine my next steps. It's really a powerful thing when you realize that nobody can sway your direction unless you choose to let them.

90 days went by and I went home for Christmas and realized I missed my friends but never wanted to live in Wyoming again. I turned 22 and I grew up a little. I realized that I want to go back to school and get a four year degree to teach elementary school. My dad had a heart attack and I started to pray again, a little, but on my own terms. I grew apart from things I held onto for so long in my past, and from that growth I let new people into my life, and have loved every second of it. I learned to look at my goddamn alcohol class as an opportunity rather than a punishment. I stopped smoking. I taught my first art class by myself. I got straight A's. I went to Disneyland and remembered what it feels like to be little and happy and free.

About a week ago, a very brave woman told me that nobody can ever really know the profound effect they may have on somebody else. And it made me start to think about things a little bit differently. You are not only living for you. You are living for others. And good or bad, you can change people. And you can allow them to change you. That's how the world works and that's how we grow up and wake up and continue to function through the 8 foot deep shitpool we sometimes find ourselves drowning in. I like that. I really do.

So now, I think my goal is to keep my eyes open for all of this change, and to let it empower me. To realize that no matter how terrible things like these 52 court ordered AA meetings may seem, they are around for a reason. This same woman I mentioned before also told me that night that my presence at these meetings might not be solely intended to educate me - that me being there might actually help somebody else, if only to feel a little bit more comfortable. And that is a risk I am willing to look at as a positive rather than a punishment.

In the end, this is what I know: There is sunshine, and I have strength and long hair and clothing and a roof and talent and a library card. I may have no real concrete plans, but I have people who care about me, and I know what I want. I figure that is as good a start as any.

Here's some pictures from the past 3 months of my life, FYEO.

Natalie came home :)

M. Ward came to the Fonda

Delta Spirit came to the El Rey

The sun came out.

I found God at the mission in San Juan.

We went to Laguna a few times.

Delta Spirit changed my life.

San Clemente was fun.

Flowers came out to play in LA.

A new coffee place opened by our apartment and we went there practically everyday.

I turned 22.

Joshua James played at Hotel Cafe.

the resolution(s)

2009-01-03T10:09:00.000-08:00

OK. Here's the plan. For me and no one else:

Eat more. Drink more. Write more. Love more. Cook more. Do more things. Meet more people. Get a job that pays. Stay in California. Find new places.

Remember the interesting-ness in life.

Accept more.

Sleep less. Whine less. Feel less sorry when insignificant shitty stuff happens to me and not somebody else.

Take care of myself and take care of other people in the ways that I know how.

Happy 2009, ya big jerks!

top 11 things i have been doing lately

2008-12-10T00:13:00.001-08:00

1. Reading newlywed couples' blogs. It's cute and annoying at the same time.

2. Shopping at Michael's.

3. Watching loads of made-for-TV Christmas movies on Fox Family.

4. Listening to the new Killers album.

5. Reading my Chinese horoscope, (thanks, You).

I am a Fire-Rabbit.

I am Keen, Wise, Fragile, Tranquil, Serene, Considerate, Fashionable, Sneaky, & Obsessive.

Some of my Hobbies and Pastimes include: Writing poetry, hiking, planting gardens and trees, chatting with friends.

My Rabbit Dislikes are: **Touchy-feely people, abrupt curves in their routines, disorganization.

**I love touchy feely people, but everything else seems pretty accurate.

Also, in case you guys wanted to know what to get me for Christmas, here are a few ideas:

Suitable Gifts: Tapestry kit, CD, fine wine, easel, lyrics book

6. Deciding upon the worst song of all time, which happens to be Rock Me Amadeus by Falco. If you really want to watch the music video, I won't stop you.

7. Starting my own Etsy site, which you will be able to view at some point in the foreseeable future, I think.

8. Eating hummus.

9. Making Christmas presents for the handful of people I still like.

10. Homework.

11. Listening to Rob Pattinson cover Van Morrison.

sometimes i feel just like this.

2008-12-03T00:15:00.000-08:00

rocktober: a month in review

2008-11-12T10:21:00.001-08:00

october has been over for 12 days, and santa is now painting the pharmacies red & green, which i guess signifies the eminent force that is christmas nearing. and that's okay. i'm glad the month over and i'm glad that everything is moving forward, because there were times when i would've been okay with the world completely stopping. through the good moments that i wanted to last forever, to the moments that made me feel like my life was literally going to end, october passed and eased its way into a glowing november. an awful and costly mistake that was made countered some of the best live shows i have ever seen, an economic crash lead us to a new president and a new sense of hope, an election that brought a country to life. through everything, i moved forward and now, 12 days later, i am still here and i'm genuinely okay.

i want to thank everybody who helped me move forward. for their kind words and understanding and the undaunted courage to make me laugh when i could hardly breathe. there is no way for me to express how much it means to know that there are others in the world who refuse to judge in hope for truth, and i love you all.

anyway, here are a couple of worthwhile ways to spend a few of hours. see you there, come and say hi! bring your friends. eat, drink, enjoy great live music. remember how damned important it is to let yourself have some fun.

october 2008 as seen and documented by hannah stayner:

a photographic log of a month in review.

Halloween Satan Stomp in Laguna Beach

w/ My Pet Saddle & The Growlerrrrs

Felice Brothers @ The Troubadour

our pumpkins!

Halloween in OC

House of Blues

Happy November to you all, lovelies.

Give thanks, give love, have fun, and be happy.

victoryyyy!

2008-11-07T10:58:00.000-08:00

i hear all the time that any transformation is based upon progress. which is true, in the end, or else where the hell are we headed? sometimes it just hurts to know that you have to wait. and that whatever you're waiting for isn't even guaranteed. an absolution that may never come. is there an end to anything, or are we always attempting to go further? is that right, or is that wrong. should we ever just settle?

i am thrilled. i am inspired not only by a man, but by my fellow americans. by the hope i saw on my television screen and heard throughout my apartment complex on the night of November 4. hope that overshadowed fear, and anger, and hate. and i am proud. i talked to my father, who was in tears, as he and all his friends recited that honest declaration of hope along with over 200,000 people on one television screen. he said, 'my vote was for you.' and that's that. thanks, dad.

proposition 8 passed on the same night that our country voted in a black man as our nation's president. victory and heartbreak. i was able to pick the leader whom i think will, eventually, bring us back to life, and yet the man who chose my name on the night i was born is not allowed to marry the one he has been with since long before. we have come so far and i can't help questioning if i should just be grateful for that or wonder when the fuck we are going to get our shit together and go further. progress.

things are going to get shitty. a lot of people will say i told you so. but unless you are open to the fact that the world changes, you are going to get continuously let down. obama is our president, and that is so because people stood up for what they believed in and knew that they could change. if we're not together, then clearly, we've fallen apart.

why can't a campaign be something as simple as love, not war? and why can't the one person you actually want to be with be here and not there, not a million miles away? nothing is ever solved. battles are won and people regain hope but we wake up tomorrow in the same life that we shut our eyes on the night before, and we go forward. because whether or not you voted, that's the way it goes.

yes we can.

2008-11-04T21:29:00.000-08:00

yes we did.

congratulations to everybody everywhere.

tonight i am genuinely proud.

so it goes.

2008-10-31T03:17:00.000-07:00

I log in to check my email and here is the exact list of top new stories I see:

World shares head for worst month ever

Obama, McCain hit economy in the push to Tuesday

Texas floats plan to house Ike victims aboard ship

Suicide bomber kills nine in NW Pakistan

Sophisticated attack leaves 77 dead in India

Blue Angels remove 2 from duty, only 5 jets to fly

Man sets self aflame at Seattle college and dies

Beaten down, American consumers burrow deeper

So now I am left wondering if there is any good left in our world at all.

My mom told me last night that sometimes bad things happen to good people. And she is right. A half-brother cannot financially support his family and avoids his father out of humiliation. A mentor's nephew attempts to hang himself. A roommate's dog is put to sleep. A best friend's father is diagnosed with a form of cancer that could not have been prevented. A mistake completely fucks up the next two years of your life, drains your bank account and drains your soul. An oldest friend and a younger sister question love when in reality, they deserve it more than anybody in the world that I can possibly think of. A country is terrified and confused and faced with a decision that will change the way we are living no matter the outcome.

Sometimes it seems like everyone is hurting, everyone is wanting something that they don't think they have.

I have heard one thousand times that everything happens for a reason. But if there is a reason for all of this, I am either truly naive, or incapable of understanding. It's so hard to have hope when everything around you keeps on falling the fuck down. But in reality, what else can you do? If you can't fix something physically, then you sure as hell better fix it mentally, or a new headline prevails: We really are going nowhere.

Here is some pathetic consolation that honestly should kick you in the ass every now and then. No matter how bad you think you have it - no matter who the hell is kicking you when you're already down - somebody in this world has it worse than you. This can either cause you to feel petty and selfish, or it can give you a dose of realism that is desperately needed in society today.

You will get a job. You will survive the next two years of probation and figure out a way to pay your fines. You will find happiness. You will find love. You will graduate on time. You will reconcile with your loved ones. You will grow up. You will smile again. And without a doubt, you will complain and cry and hurt so much that you can hardly breathe, but in the end, what the fuck else can you do?

October will end and November will begin, and life will continue whether you want it to or not. So in the words of my mother, the saint: have faith in whatever it is that you need to have faith in while understanding that others around you are doing exactly the same. We are united, even through fear, even through sadness, even through humiliation, and thus, we are selfish to think that we are ever truly alone.

xoxo

2008-10-18T02:19:00.000-07:00

So we watched the debate finally and there were points where I could hardly breathe. That's when I realized that I haven't really cared about anything lately as much as I care about the election. I think I need to be in love. Or get an animal.

You can tell me that "he" is, in the end, the man like all the rest before. But here's the thing: I can't vote for you. I can take the little bit of freedom that I have and use it how I see fit, with the understanding that maybe my hope does sometimes overshadow my "intelligence." But that's life, man. I can cross my fingers and hope that is enough.

Just don't say sorry, I'm not totally ignorant.

***

So I've jumped on the LA bandwagon and been feeling totally shitty and just completely sorry for myself, which is lame because we've been rewatching season 2 of Twin Peaks and it's been blowing my mind for roughly 2 hours a night this past week. It's just that there's so much negative shit going around right now like a virus, and you can tell, even walking around downtown, that people are totally bumming the fuck out. Living in this perpetual state of numbed caution is pretty damn terrifying.

I was talking to my dad the other night which is a semi-rare but fantastic occurrence, and (as with all recent conversations with pretty much anybody tend to do lately), talk turned to the goddamned economy. How he is afraid for friends and family and how the end to whatever we're living through probably won't come for a lot longer than it will take me to graduate college. F.u.c.k.

But at some point you've just got to accept where you stand in the world and the roles that you are playing in your everyday life, and understand that a lot of our fate truly is out of your hands. That which is not out of your hands (yet) is that which you still have the ability to change. And this is something that we do not have to be afraid of. So go ahead and trust your own personal choice of god, trust Obama, trust yourself; trust Secret Agent Dale Cooper and the genius of David Lynch. Trust a friend that will listen to the Silversun Pickups and smoke with you in a parking lot at three in the morning. Trust the ocean currents, or the fact that the stars are going to come out every night without fail because that is simply what they do.

Now is the time when people are going to need to start seeing their lives for what they are and not what they are not, whether that is completely shitty or completely beautiful. Because in the end, isn't the only real difference between what you've got and what you need that the things you need can't really leave you?

I guess you just have to keep telling yourself that no matter what we are losing, there are constants that will remain if you allow them to. My brother's short stories, Weezer's Blue Album, snow in October, Oki Dog, polaroids of my parents' first Christmas together a million years ago, smoggy skylines, Montana highways. People have waded through knee-deep shit before. People will drown in it before anything gets better. And thus, focusing on the things in your life that you have and the things you can still control has never been more difficult, but never been more important.

My opinion, for what it's worth. Which is probably just about nothing if you ask wallstreet.

Today is a good day to flex the muscles of the weary,
A miracle's a miracle even when it's ordinary.
We will walk on the water even though it seems scary,
If someone will show us the way.

He said, "Do unto yourself as you do unto your neighbor -
It's not an eye for an eye, It's a favor for a favor.
And it's okay if this world has a billion saviors,
'Cause there's so many things to be saved."

-Cloud Cult

just a thought

2008-10-12T12:51:00.001-07:00

if you aren't voting then you don't have the right to complain. so shut the eff up about moving to canada and pick up a ballot.

dear everybody,

2008-10-02T01:14:00.000-07:00

Have an opinion, please.

And then take that opinion and do something proactive with it.

Not only is this your responsibility, but this is your right.

Love,

Hannah

It's clear, and I get it. Our economy is in the shitter and it's going to take a long time to get back out. But it's also going to take more than signatures and 700 billion dollars - it's going to take a group of people banding together in order to spark change.

So this is how I see it. It is entirely clear that the state of America today is somewhat undesirable. Yet somewhere inside of me, I still have the urge to defend my country because honestly, I have enough hope that through all of this complete and utter shit, we will be okay. To me, it seems that America can best be represented by its citizen body rather than its government and the decisions that Washington has made. Because hey, these are the citizens who have changed together and attempted to change one another, who have fought for freedoms and equality and the understanding that each one of us deserves. These are citizens who do care about the economy and who have supported the evolution of civil rights and donated time and money to aiding the less fortunate.

America consists of a mass of people in which the majority is good. Yes, I genuinely believe that. And because of these people, I also believe that no matter the negative views on the country, we, the people, make up America. Because of the enormous strides our country has taken throughout history to become what we are today, we exist in a country where liberty has been fought for and earned and is now our birthright. So long as the citizens can influence the government to use this in a proactive way, right or left or red or blue or green or whatever, I think we will be all right. It will take a while to get back on our feet and stand tall, of course, but doesn’t every great change need a beginning and a middle to see an end?

So yeah, America will continue to make mistakes. That is my prediction. That is the nature of politics, of the economy, and of the social class. Yet I also predict that through these mistakes, no matter how fucking gigantic they may seem, will come vast changes and better times. We're gonna be okay, someday, all the while remembering that sometimes it takes huge losses to receive huge gains. Violence, suffering, and severe economic failure have been an enormously influential part of our past, and there is no doubt in my mind that our future will see its fair share of the aforementioned. But what we cannot do is focus solely on the negative when there are so many great and vast accomplishments that we have seen as well. Let us not reside in a country based upon the foundations of fear; let us reside, instead, in a country based upon the ethics of a great and influential hope.

From an unstoppable 23 year old boy in Hawaii with huge things ahead of him to a man - a team - standing before our country and simply asking people to give a fuck - change is everywhere, so long as you take what has been given to you and use it however you see fit. Based on fact, based on opinion, and based upon hope. So you may not like either candidate. I've heard a million times in the past couple months, "It's like voting for the lesser of two evils." But that is absolutely no reason not to voice the opinions you hold on the viewpoints that either man will fight for in order to make your country better.

Guys, you live in a country where people have literally fought for the right that we all (aside from convicts and those 17 and under) hold today. As I look across the globe, it seems selfish not to realize that I am incredibly lucky and blessed to be an American voter, and I will exercise my freedoms in order to make a better tomorrow because not only is it my Constitutional right as a citizen, but it is my obligation.

It seems to me that what so often goes overlooked in the midst of overwhelming pessimism is America’s great and powerful ability to embrace the fact that the world changes. And the fact that each change that our country has seen to this day has initially required a mass of people to voice the need for transformation and to stand up against judgment and fear for what is right. Each has required people to listen and understand. And each has required a general governmental consent. In all of these cases, those needs have by and large been fulfilled. Because in America, when the people speak loud enough, the government is forced to listen. More often that is credited, positive reactions are the result.

I do not think there will ever be a time when our country can honestly say that as a nation, we have come as far as we need to go. Each individual, group, political party, and the president, along with many more still, will continue to fight for acknowledgement, power, and success. Because people still care. Countless minds will be opened from generation to generation only because so many people want to attempt to make America better. To create a much needed change. To start a revolution through the opening of ears, eyes, and hearts. And with each day, no matter how little it may seem, a bit of progress is being made somewhere, somehow.

Yeah, you can call me a bit naïve as I have chosen to focus on the positive in hopes that tomorrow will be better than today. But as a very great man, who is standing before us where he is today solely because his country embraced an immense change, once said, “There has never been anything false about hope.”

That's it, that's all.

Oh and thanks, God, for Jonah Hill.

our last hope of ending this country's reputation as the assholes of the universe

2008-09-30T01:13:00.000-07:00

happy week!

so long, sweet summer.

2008-09-25T12:55:00.000-07:00

I guess it's September already, and even though I'm not quite sure how that happened, I think I'm okay with it.

Maybe fall is time for something different. New internship, new course schedule, fashionweek, Entourage, an amazing concert lineup, new things to look forward to. There will be things ahead that will be hard, and there are things that I cannot yet see that will surprise me. And I'll take all of it and move forward because what other choice do we have?

Due to my two month summer hiatus, here is a photographic log of the end of Summer 2008 set to a backdrop of Wet Hot American Summer, turkey burgers, warm nights, Delta Spirit, and two dollar bottles of wine from Trader Joe's.

Sawdust Art Festival

Sawdust Art Festival in Laguna Beach

Balboa

Newport

feast

typical summer dinner

bbq

kickin it @ the beach house in newport with people i love

Natalie @ The Gold Room

Josh James @ Hotel Cafe

Manhattan Beach music

Backyard party, 8/08

Pool party

Al eating omelettes

Granite Hot Springs

GTNP

Josh Ritter @ Grand Targhee Music Fest

Hillary and Charlotte

Josh and Molly

Jenny Lake

Hiking

Kat, Molly, Charlotte

Sunset from the back porch

Cookin hot dogs in the back yard

"The great thing about irony is that it splits things apart, gets up above them so we can see the flaws and hypocrisies and duplicates."

2008-09-15T13:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, we are just not meant to understand.

"Fiction-writing's lonely in a way most people misunderstand. It's yourself you have to be estranged from, really, to work."

David Foster Wallace

1962-2008

Rest in peace.

"fear is not the natural state of civilized people" - aung san suu kyi

2008-09-15T03:55:00.000-07:00

Throughout the past few weeks, it has become blatantly obvious that we have become afraid and consequently we have become defensive. When you focus on the negative you stop thinking rationally, and that is so incredibly dangerous - especially now. I cannot cannot cannot express enough: this is not a campaign of fear. It is a campaign of hope.

We cannot know the outcome, and we cannot know that putting our whole hearts into this situation will leave them unbroken. We cannot even know that the decisions and outcomes will be the right ones. But we can hope that what we are doing, whatever it is, will be enough. This is why you have to do something.

We can open our minds and share with others what we know. We can listen and learn and grow. Volunteer. Speak louder and stand up just a little bit taller. All based upon a foundation in which we believe. Consequently, hope remains and will prevail.

Really, that is all he is asking us to do. Because of him, many have changed, and will continue to change those around them in hopes of evolution, revolution, inspiration and growth. He is asking you not only to hope, but to believe. And to do all that you can in order to show it, especially now when so many people are taking the defensive route and essentially giving up.

Nothing is over. We have a long way to go and it will be scary and beautiful and completely insane. So he is asking you, as an individual, to give a shit. The simplicity of knowing that because of this, all we truly need to do is act upon the hope we have that tomorrow will be better, makes this all just a little bit less horrifying. Regardless of the outcome, do not go down defeated with your tail between your legs. Do not go down. Fight. Support. Hide your fearful cynicism with proactive competition. Unfaltering in your support for the one who has changed the world through supporting you.

I am not saying think like me, think like him, any.any.any of that. I am simply saying think.

Think for yourself, think for others, think for today and tomorrow and ten years from now.

Think, react, and for god's sake, exercise your rights as a US citizen.

But above all things, please: Think.

v.o.t.e

v.o.l.u.n.t.e.e.r

so if we get swallowed by a black hole today...

2008-09-10T00:53:00.001-07:00

... none of us will even notice because it will only take 1/20 of a second.

see you guys on thursday!

this is pretty cool.

2008-09-08T03:20:00.000-07:00

hi, i'm back.

"I will never forget that the only reason I'm standing here today is because somebody, somewhere stood up for me when it was risky. Stood up when it was hard. Stood up when it wasn't popular. And because that somebody stood up, a few more stood up. And then a few thousand stood up. And then a few million stood up. And standing up, with courage and clear purpose, they somehow managed to change the world." - Barack Obama

guys - no matter what you believe in, it's really cool to give a shit. don't ever forget that.

loves all & goodnight.

united states of ______________

2008-07-13T01:05:00.000-07:00

It really freaks me out when I hear what initially sounds like a scream of sheer panic or terror, until I realize that the cry has only come from somebody's kid in the park being tickled, and crying out in joy. That's fucked up, isn't it? How your stomach can go from being completely sick as your nervous system is suddenly alert and your adrenaline instinctually begins to pump. Until you turn and realize that although you thought first to the negative, the only thing you were afraid of was a parent playing with their child. It's a sad state to live in, when you think first of the bad and are actually surprised to see the good.

But in the end, like I've said a thousand times, you have to continue to allow yourself to see the good or you really will be submersed in shit.

I'm only in a crappy mood because we just finished watching The United States of Leland, which I suppose was meant to be a mood piece about the harshness of reality. To me, it was just this huge failure with a sexy boy playing the lead role. Kevin Spacey bombed! I understand that the movie was made to tell a story, but I can't help wondering - is it really so wrong to hope for a happy ending?

I am not saying that every movie has got to have that cliched Hollywood ending in order for one to leave satisfied. We are not paying 14 bucks for an evening show at the theater to see the same damn ending with each passing film. But the reality of it is that sometimes, things do end up alright.

This is not necessarily a problem of the film, however. I mean the movie had other problems, sure. It was no Oscar nominee, that is for damn certain. So it's more my problem, as I was sitting there just hoping for any one of the characters to even dare to smile (which they did not). The truth of it is that there probably wasn't any good in the story that was being told. And more often than it should be, this is reality. Thus, maybe it's not so much wrong to hope for a happy ending as it is to be disappointed when there simply isn't one. It's human nature to wish for the good, isn't it? Because if it wasn't, I do not think the world would still exist. It just seems like with every single day that passes, it becomes a little bit harder to hope.

I guess what I'm saying is that I want to use any sort of talent I may possess to make somebody feel better. To show them the good that still exists, and how easy it is to smile, even at the most trivial things. I just can't support a life where sadness dominates the alternative. That's just not life at all, is it?

Anyway, happiness or sadness, I suppose I should just be happy that we can even feel anything at all these days. It's better than being completely numb.

Here is some good that I've seen lately, just for the sake of insomnia and smiling.

I've started writing again. My mind feels like it's open again, for now, and I'm not going to take that for granted this time.

I need something to come from it.

it's all happening

2008-07-10T01:51:00.000-07:00

so i used to think that life had this awesome way of kicking you in the ass when you were down.

i even have a binder full of angst ridden teenage poetry to prove it.

but the older i get, though i'm still relatively a baby in the eyes of many, i think i've started to realize that you just have to suck it up and try, through all your bullshit, selfish pessimism, to see it from the other side. yes, there is another side. the world isn't flat, and the constant motion of everything around us allows us this intangible freedom to angle good vs. evil, clean vs. dirty, stylish vs. trendy, handsome vs. fugly, elderly vs. youthful, etc, in a way that works for the better rather than the worse. right?

so that's my goal for now anyway. it's not so much positivity or optimism as it is just trying to see both sides and angle the better side towards my benefit. hmm.

because really, it seems to me that there are moments in life where everything just comes together in a way that, while not perfect (nor necessarily intended), still gives you with the feeling that everything is as it should be.

everything in its right place.

just a post-radiohead inspired thought.

anyway, earlimart pics from the free show at Amoeba on 7/8

(special special thanks to aaron espinoza for the fantastic hourlong orgasm).

when you see bands like earlimart playing free shows at independent record stores, you just have to stop and think that no matter how much shit is going down in our world right now, we would not exist without the good. and there is still good, you just have to get off your ass and find it.

also, i continue with each passing day to forget to call my dear friend bryan back. maybe if i see this tomorrow i will remember before

2 am.

gonna break into your heart

2008-07-08T00:19:00.000-07:00

Come see Earlimart play a free show today (7/8) at Amoeba Records on Sunset @ 7:00!

Listen here.

Also, read a great interview with the band here.

p.s.

2008-07-07T03:43:00.000-07:00

hahahahahhaha.

if you want s'more:

Listen to: Let Me Introduce My Friends by I'm From Barcelona.

keep cool my babies

little holes in parachutes won't leave you falling

2008-07-07T01:48:00.000-07:00

b.r.e.a.k.i.n.g.n.e.w.s

i made a new photo site! now you can all have access to the hundreds of photos i have taken to keep me sane right here:

click me

so please, support your fellow artist and see things like i do for a couple of minutes.

Today I relearned the importance of randomness and drinking water.

Hannah, Emmy, Natalie, Julia, and Tony day took us 35 minutes outside our mid-wilshire apartment to Eagle Rock on a mission to see art and hear music. The grass was dying but the people were stylish.

Driving home later, mapquestless and dehydrated, Natalie got a bit lost and took a random exit off the 101 in the middle of LAMexico, only to find a sign proclaiming we were a block away from the Los Angeles Heritage Square Museum. What?? Cool!! In the end, when it is 90 degrees out and you've been cruising down Figueroa for 30 minutes with no AC or direction home, it's one of those situations where all you can really do is suck it up and live in the moment.

Thus, we ended up wandering down the quiet street to find the "museum," a tiny street of Los Angeles heritage lined with historic, restored homes and buildings.

It was like walking onto an eery, empty, colonial movie set square in the middle of a hilly version of nowhere. You know those old WWII and Vietnam bomb sites in the middle of the desert, where the army would build entire neighborhoods with front lawns and furnished homes, only to test out nuclear warfare? That's what it reminded me of, but it was totally cool. Sometimes, that is simply the best.

The rest of the afternoon involved a severely oversized metal insect on a front lawn (see exhibit A below), a 75% thrift store sale on Highland (don't bother!!!), a much needed swim, and a gigantic black bean / rice / guacamole burrito. And then, falling asleep on the couch from sun and food overdose, I remembered why exactly I love LA in the summertime.

^ Exhibit A ^

to do list:

2008-07-06T03:01:00.000-07:00

Life has been pleasantly uneventful since the return from Newport.

Fourth of July was a bit too eventful, but there were fireworks, and in the end, that is all that matters. Thanks to Natalie for having a beautiful party and an endless supply of mango rum, vodka&punch, and apricot beer.

also, a very special thanks to Jesus for getting everybody home safely and making sure my camera wasn't broken.

However, no matter how unfortunate it may be, not every day can be the Fourth of July. Thus, between applying for jobs and getting ready to bail on LA for two weeks on the 14th, my time has mostly been consumed by:

Movies:

How I fell in love with Charlie Bartlett.

If you haven't seen this film yet, rent it (or Netflix, you lazy bastards). You will not be sorry.

CB is one of those movies that people rent for Rob Downey Jr. and end up loving because of the underdog. Boy hottie Charlie serenades us on the grand piano, laughs, cries, has sex for the very first time, and counsels those around him from a bathroom stall. All the while teaching us that the only hope we'll ever really know is the comfort that comes from not fitting in and realizing that rather than alienating us, we are more-so united. Anton Yelchin was heartbreaking and hilarious and well worth the $3.50+ at Ho-Vid.

(Don't forget to watch for 3, yes 3, of your favorite Degrassi alumni cameos).

Sanity vs. Normalcy has never been so... cute?

Find a dirty independent theater (or pay 14 bucks at the Hollywood Arc-Light like we did) to see The Wackness.

Wet, hot, 1994 NYC summer. 1 hour and 45 minutes of epic psychologist/patient team-worked drug deals, sexy summertime beach sex, heartbreak, old-school hip hop, random semi-celeb cameos, and NY slang = a nearly full theater that literally stood an applauded the movie upon finish. Needless to say, Mary Kate Olsen dazzles (obviously) for a few prideful moments, and the de-virginized ex-Nickelodeon star of the film Josh Peck was phenomenal. LOVE love loved this movie, which is great, because the trailer made it out to look like absolute shit.

Both these movies involve late-teen boys involved in a lot of that same Holden Caulfield-esque bullshit and pull it off pretty damn well.

Music:

A little late notice but worth mentioning anyway:

Whatever you do, do not miss The Growlers or The Nightbirds!!! + Ana Calderon DJing. If I am getting out of bed then you should too.

Listen to: March Fourth by KaiserCartel. Yummy gorgeous self indulgent folkpop.

Love.It.

TV:

My sister and I devoted any spare time during the past seven days to watching the entire season of Freaks and Geeks on DVD. Six disks. Eighteen episodes. That's about sixteen and a half hours of footage, not to mention all the special features, interviews, and outtakes. Honestly, sometimes AC blasted afternoons spent watching shows about people whose lives rival your own in terms of humiliation and frustration turn out nothing short of perfect.

ALSO "worth" noting: Our very favorite bachelorette DeAnna Pappas will be choosing the father of her future children this Monday night on ABC. Jason vs. Jesse. Sensitive, compassionate father-of-one vs. ultra-sexy yet immature pro snowboarder. When you are 26 years old and want to pop out 3 children by the time you are 30, the choice just seems blazingly obvious.

You will find me kickin it in the dugout batting for team Jason, during which time I will be planning out just how much it will cost me in gas milage to drive up to Breckenridge and heal Jesse's broken heart.

Lit (or lack there of):

Blair Magazine

read. it.

Etc:

THE NEW BILL VIOLA VIDEO INSTALLATION AT THE GETTY!!! Hurry hurry hurry please before it goes away. There is no excuse not to visit The Getty anyway when it's so goddamn gorgeous outside and the entrance fee is FREE. Nothing in LA is free!! Bring a hand to hold and stay for the whole video, then call me and tell me I was right/wrong/criminally insane for recommending you all do this.

OH, oh. And the outrageously sexy & mind numbing photographer Philip-Lorca diCorcia has a display going on at LACMA right now that'll be up through September. Here is a man who sees the world exactly as I want to see it, and it makes me jealous, uncomfortable, and so incredibly stoked about living.

the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone

2008-06-22T05:39:00.000-07:00

I have this sneeking suspicion that Los Angeles has grown on me without my consent. Not even in the sentimental, home is where the heart is sort of way, because I'm still not exactly sure that it is my heart that is in Los Angeles. So really, it has grown on me in more of the 'I can't sleep without air conditioning and a .08 blood alcohol level,' sort of way.

After a week away from the city, it is funny to return and realize that my life just continued on without me in it. Sometimes when you leave, it really does feel like all the parts of your world are just going to stop and wait for you to return. Friends won't have news of all this exciting shit that went down while you were gone; pets won't die, coworkers won't lose their job or steal yours. Almost like that stale beer that's been sitting stagnant on the nightstand for five nights straight - stagnancy seems comfortable if you are not around to witness the events that would be or should be your daily life.

But that's not how it happens, is it? Everything simply continues. In a city this big where you literally have everything and nothing at all at the same exact time, life does not stop for anyone. And so, you can hide from this and let it freak you the fuck out like I did for the first couple of days, or you can learn to embrace the fact that whether you like it or not, you are a tiny, tiny thing within the whole of something huge. In the end, if you are home with your heart or very far away from it indeed, wherever you go, there you are. And that is where life is.

Such is vacation. Getting away from real life only to realize that you might actually have a heart at home after all.

Anywho, America's birthday is coming up. It's the holiday I always think should be my favorite because it is the one day of the year where it is completely okay for me to eat hot dogs. It's a cultural norm and I can't help thinking how great that is. If you are plan-less, or in the process of planning your day, consider this:

FREEDOM FESTIVAL

The Growlers and My Pet Saddle will be playing (amazing) sets. Art, food, booze, dancing, sunset, fireworks & people dressed in super cool clothes. If you need more motivation then just show up and I'll lend you some of mine :)

!!!!!!!!! love !

happy june...

2008-06-02T17:26:00.000-07:00

Hi kids,

June is here. It's summer again.

Time to make some money, lay around in the sunshine, explore, photograph, and come to life at night.
So, get out of your houses and come drink and dance with me :)
I'll help you out. Here are some relatively cheap ways to come out and see the city, meet people and hear music that will change your life.

Tue 6/10
8:30 PM
Jeremy Enigk, Damien Jurado, Happy Stars
Spaceland

21+ $10

Wed 6/11
8:00 PM
Olin And The Moon, Princeton, Eleni Mandell, Young Hunting
Tangier

21+ $8

side note: Olin & the Moon is a local LA band with a huge heart. I might be biased because like me, they originate in the lonesome midwest. However, I have no doubt their clever folky rock will blow you away. Plus, they cover Old Crow Medicine Band.

They've got residency @ Tangier during the month of June, so you can see them every Wednesday for 4 weeks straight. Word.

Wed 6/11
9:00 PM
Crystal Castles
The Roxy

All Ages $16.

Thu 6/12
8:00 PM
The Helio Sequence, Talkdemonic, Wait.Think.Fast.
The Echo (Echoplex)

18+ $13

side note: If you go to the Echo, walk a few blocks further east down Sunset (before or after the show) til you hit The Gold Room. Chances are you will run into the crowd from whatever show it is that you're seeing. Super fun bar with an unpretentious crowd, and a beer + tequila shot for 5 bucks. You just can't beat that.

Fri 6/13
8:30 PM
The Submarines
The Echo

18+ $10

Sun 6/22
7:00 PM
Lightspeed Champion, Flowers Forever, The Explorers Club
The Glass House

All Ages $12!

side note: Word is that The Glass House kind of blows, and the show is all ages which is a little bit shitty. But in all honesty, you are crazy not to go to this show.

Tue 6/24
7:00 PM
The Watson Twins
Amoeba Music- Hollywood

All Ages, free

side note: Amoeba is a legendary record store on Sunset with a history, and obviously, a future.

Fri 6/27
8:00 PM
Hot Hot Heat
The Roxy (Sunset Strip Music Festival)

All Ages $25

side note: Relatively expensive show + overpriced drinks inside, BUT this show is part of the Sunset Strip Music Festival, which could end up being fun as hell. Other acts include: Juliette & the Licks (The Viper Room), Dilated Peoples (House of Blues), and Hello Goodbye (Key Club).

Sat 6/28
8:00 PM
Fleet Foxes
The Echo

18+ $10

side note: Fleet Foxes have only released a self tiltled EP, but word is that they are going to be HUGE. Listen to them and find out why. Better yet, pay $10 to see them in Echo Park before you end up paying $50 to see them in a couple of years.

Sun 6/29
7:00 PM
Gilberto Gil, Devendra Banhart, The Album Leaf (featuring Mike Heron)
Hollywood Bowl

All Ages $10

side note: Okay, honestly, this is the historic Hollywood Bowl we're talking about. $10 is probably the cheapest anyone has ever paid for entrance. If Devendra isn't reason enough to get off your asses, the entrance fee should be.

p.s.

2008-05-22T02:09:00.000-07:00

If you are ever bored or lonely:

Go to LACMA and visit the Phantom Sightings: Art after the Chicano Movement (visible through September 1, 2008). Absolutely fantastic. Great day with Ashley. Walked to the museum, 80 degrees and gorgeous. Took care of some school business and then explored. Came upon the exhibit and was just completely blown away. Ate at the cafeteria where I paid $3.25 for an apple flavored organic soda, BUT, I didn't even mind. Art has a funny way of making you appreciate things that are really important while gaining the ability to ignore those things that really do end up a bit more trivial.

www.lacma.org/art/exhibphantom.aspx

**Listen to the Pela album Anytown Graffiti.

Really loud, through headphones.

Also hear:

Earlimart - Mentor, Tormentor

Lightspeed Champion - Falling Off the Lavender Bridge

Cloud Cult - Feel Good Ghosts

The National - anything...

She & Him - Volume One (Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward's collaboration act. Surprisingly brilliant. But didn't we all know she could sing since the shower scene in Elf)?

Then:

Plan out your summer shows here

(And tell me what you're seeing)

all good things

2008-05-21T17:20:00.000-07:00

i'm happy. everything is good.

good friends. good grades. good city.

everything is constantly up and down in LA. i go from loving the city to loathing it in about twenty-three seconds. sometimes it's almost impossible for me to let go of the constant annoyances i'm faced with, and i've just got to stop and think about what i already know. people can be cruel, but people can be really great. don't ever let yourself lose the ability to be surprised.

it's so easy to get caught up in the ugly things sometimes, isn't it? but then in the end you've just got to stop and think that there isn't any pretty without knowing what is ugly. nothing would ever seem decent if things didn't turn out shitty every now and then.

i've started this whole 'live in the now,' thing. i'm not denying the importance of remembering the past and learning from every second of it. but at some point you've just got to stop and realize that the past is in the past, and living through moments past is so incredibly dangerous. in that same light, isn't it true that we can look towards the future with hope, always remembering that hope is virtually all we can do.

we can live in the now. we can make the decisions we feel are right using the knowledge we've accumulated through the past, and we can do this all in hopes that the future will turn out however it is that we like. but really, that's it. the end.

i'm not sitting here saying that you shouldn't count on your life being decent. but we can't, can we? i mean i would like to say that global warming won't eventually kill us all, and i can certainly hope that it won't. but what i cannot do is wish myself back to when the world was genuinely good (if it ever was genuinely good), and loathe the life i'm living for not being as great is it might have been. and i cannot live in a manner that is entirely dependent on things going my way. because they won't. that is all i know.

i can inhale and exhale. i can appreciate whatever is going on within this minute of this day, and take what comes to me as i stumble upon it. i can learn from the shit in a way that makes me appreciate the good things a little bit more. and i can appreciate what is real and what is now.

saved by the _____________

2008-05-12T03:24:00.001-07:00

so i was going through this ancient cigar box of all this old shit that i have accumulated over the years.

the following is a brief and simplified list of the remnants of nearly 14 years past:

a couple ghostly looking antique postcards from the old towne orange shops, a couple love letters from exes that have probably been folded and unfolded nearly 200 times, dried prom corsages with the photos to accompany, hello kitty stationary, magazine cut outs, seventh grade cartoons by megan, 2 notable mix tapes from 2 notable old friends, baseball cards from the st. johns era, stamped letter envelopes with no letter inside, photos with faces torn away and blacked out, valentines day cards from 5th grade, 7th grade, and 12th grade, tiny toys from quarter machines, an 11th grade activity where each member of Herro's english class had to write something nice, even assorted colored and flavored condoms from god knows when or where.

it was a tiny bit awkward and painstakingly honest to trip down memory lane, thumbing over each item and pausing a bit to wonder why in the hell i'd saved it for years past. honestly, some of the shit in that box can be traced back to the fourth grade. each item has a story, and the greatest part is that whether or not it means anything to me now, it meant something to me then. obviously it meant enough for me to place it away in a spot that i'd find it again someday, sort of like whoever i was wanted whoever i was going to be to remember. and going through it now, i blushed, i laughed, i retraced letters. i forgot familiar names. i forgot some age old faces. i cried reading through the playlist my senior year boyfriend created 3 days before we left for college. and then i smiled and remembered. life can be funny.

in the end, i guess, it's just sort of proof.

proof that emotion still exists in a world where at times it is so easy to allow yourself to remain incredibly numb; to drift.

proof that i was once capable of feeling something other than anxiety, indifference, or paralyzing self doubt.

and maybe that's all we need sometimes. little reminders from whoever we used to be, letting us know that things were okay once, and will be okay again sometime soon. what matters now might not ever matter again, and what seems so incredibly pointless in the present might end up meaning the world sometime down the road.

life goes on if we allow it.

so write things down. record your dreams. collect. save for the future.

you can not ever know what is coming, or even where you are truly headed. but i learned tonight that sometimes it does help to remember where you have been.

best of: coachella 08

2008-05-06T11:54:00.000-07:00

There are moments in life when you find yourself cliched. Caught in the moment. When every single thought running through your mind is momentarily paralyzed and you are submersed into the present. Past and future render useless as every single second is literally the only thing in the world that matters. Here are some of the headlining moments of Coachella 2008 that made the money, the mileage, and the late night drive back to Los Angeles worth every painstaking dollar and gallon.

1) Stars closing their set with Take Me to the Riot; dedicating their song to the fans, the hope, and Obama. Touching the railing. Feeling your heart beat in your throat, pulsating to the bassline. Rayban-ed guitarists. Two phenomenal singers in love.

Nobody in front of you, thousands of people behind.

Love is everywhere.
BR>

2) Chromeo to JUSTICE in the Sahara tent. Duh. Thousands of people in a sweltering, overpacked tent @ 12 am after 3 days of nonstop, better-than-sex moments, chanting repeatedly "We are your friends, you'll never be alone again."

And realizing that in the end, it's true.

Each person in the crowd, through the sweat and the tears, is that much better for it.

3) F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

4) The helpful guy in the parking lot doing literally everything he could to get us out of the deadlocked field on Saturday night. After sitting in the same line for 45 minutes and not moving more than 3 inches, he came to our window and told us the plan: "We aren't moving because they've closed the exit on us. My girlfriend and I are going to cut through the parking spaces, knock down a few cones, and get out on the dirt road that we came in on. Are you down?" Hell yes we are. Seriously. 3 minute later we were cruising down Jefferson Ave. doing 50 mph. Sometimes, you need to go against the majority and do your own goddamn thing. And never, never, never forget that you really can help other people. You have the power to make the night of 4 tired and cranky sunburned girls. Life is beautiful.

5) Midday naps in the sunshine, listening to groovy music. Does it Offend You, Yeah? Getting a tan. Shoes for a pillow. Just not giving a shit that people were constantly moving around you. Taking time out of the day to listen, love, learn, and cat nap.

6) Squirt guns during The Cool Kids and The Bird and the Bee. Purchased out of love. Meeting Inara George didn't hurt.

7) The fathers of 2 of Kate Nash's band members grooving in front of us with their VIP bracelets, cheering louder than the crazed group of girly fans to the right. So stoked on their family. Stoked on music. Ancient dance moves that never seemed more graceful, nor sexy.

8) The Indio sunset during The National's set. Blood red, African sun dipping below a cloudless horizon. Matt Berninger banging away on his fucking piano, competing with The Raconteurs to be heard like it really was the only thing in the world that mattered. Cigs and veggie bowls on the bleachers in the tiny, dispersed crowd.

9) Kids climbing the walls of the tent, dancing on shoulders and sound boxes, breaching security fences and filtrating the stage during M.I.A. An audience overflowing the Sahara tent reciting the chorus of Paper Planes, lighting up, spinning in circles. Being young, growing up, being free.

10) The Verve closing their set with Bittersweet Symphony and dedicating it to Hunter S. Thompson. No explanation was needed. The beauty found within that simple dedication and the following 8 minutes of the breathtaking song was literally indefinable. Long live The Verve. No matter how overplayed that song might have been, hearing it live makes you realize that the overplaying was for a reason.

Beauty was everywhere.

The hot air balloon coasting during Vampire Weekend's fantastic set. Yellow, yellow sun during the 8 minute long intro to Death Cab's new single. The Teenagers getting 12 people from the audience onstage with them to help them cheer, "I fucked my American cunt, I love my English Romance!" The beautiful long haired boy with windy arms and white teeth against tanned skin, so incredibly thrilled to be dancing alone to Brett Dennen. Old people grooving awkwardly to JUSTICE with earplugs, gray hair, and smiling wives.

All ages, colors, styles coming together creating a sweaty mass of people who truly were all united by virtually the same exact thing: music. DJs. Shout Out Louds, Shout Out Louds, Shout Out Louds. People in love. People enthralled. People captivated. People feeling actual human emotion and being completely unafraid of doing so for 3 entire days.

coachella lineup (since i have nothing else to do right now)...

2008-04-23T12:18:00.000-07:00

Let's just admit it. It was a little bit frusterating when we realized that the rumors circulating stating that Radiohead was headlining were false. Right? A little bit disappointing.

It was even MORE disappointing when we realized that JACK JOHNSON was headlining. I mean really? Who in the fuck picked Jack Johnson? He hasn't created anything original since the history of... history.

BUT

Let's not get ahead of ourselves. If those two bummers are going to ruin your whole weekend then you shouldn't even be coming in the first place. So don't buy a ticket. More room for me. The rest of the lineups make up for these 2 semi-disasters, and we will be okay.

Here is where I will be at every second during the weekend, FYI. My picks for the best shows, shows to skip out halfway through, and breaks for beer and shade.

FRIDAY (Jack Johnson Night)

Head in around 12. Bum around. Drink two gallons of water on the drive there. Piss immediately.

1:30 - 2:15 / Rogue Wave plays. If you feel like dancing immediately, Midnight Juggernauts are amongst the others playing at the same time. However, in my opinion, there is a lot more killer dance to be heard later on. Conserve your engergy and check out Rogue Wave.

2:15 - 2:50 / Check out Luckyjam.

2:50 - 3:25 / Take a break

3:25 - 4:10 / BLACK KIDS. Super stoked. Do not miss this act.

4:25 - 5:15 / Architecture in Helsinki.

5:15 - 5:40 / Catch a little bit of Cut Copy's set.

5:40 - 6:30 / Vampire Weekend

6:55 - 7:40 / THE NATIONAL. Another act to definitely hang around the Outdoor Theater for.

*I should note that between these 2 acts, if you follow my lineup you will be missing Goldfrapp. I might cut out early from the Raconteurs for them. I might even ditch the Raconteurs all together.

7:45 - 8:30 / Run to the Coachella Stage to catch most of the Raconteurs set.

8:30 - 9:15 / Get your ass back to the Outdoor Theater for The Swell Season or over to Mojave for Aesop Rock.

9:15 - 10:10 / Back to Coachella Stage for The Verve

10:50 - 11:40 / Mojave Stage for the Black Lips

SATURDAY (What a day, Rockin' all night with youuu)...

12:30 - 1:10 / The Bird and the Bee. Tiny act, but amazing.

1:30 - 2:20 / The Teenagers

2:45 - 3:35 / Minus the Bear. This act would not go on my lineup should I not be forced into going by my friends. Kavinsky will be DJing at this point, which seems the better option.

3:40 - 4:30 / MGMT. Word. Ditch out on set halfway through to get to Cold War Kids.

4:15 - 4:50 / Cold War Kids.

4:55 - 5:45 / Kate Nash.

OKAY. Here's where we hit some speed bumps.

6:10 - 7:00 / Hot Chip.

6:30 - 7:20 / Death Cab for Cutie. I have seen Death Cab once before, but my friends have not. And to their credit, they put on a completely fucking amazing live show.

I guess I vote cut out on Hot Chip early to catch the majority of Death Cab's set. Bum bum bum.

7:20 - 8:10 / Rilo Kiley

7:10 - 8:00 / Islands. Same dilemma as the Hot Chip vs. Death Cab fiasco. Fight it out, babies.

Mark Ronson vs. MIA

8:20 - 9:10 / MIA

8:35 - 9:25 / Mark Ronson

In all honesty, no matter how gorgeous Mark Ronson is, MIA will probably defeat him. Which means maybe half and halfsies.

9:15 - 10:15 / Portishead. Obviously.

10:45 - ??? / PRINCE.

SUNDAY (JUSTICE & CHROMEO)

12:30 - 1:15 / Brett Dennen. Love love LOVE him.

1:45 - 2:25 / Annuals

2:45 - 3:30 / I'm from Barcelona

vs.

3:00 - 3:50 / Shout Out Louds

Shout Out Louds will win the battle because this just in: I'm from Barcelona is playing @ The El Rey the Monday after Coachella for dirt cheap. Word.

3:45 - 4:35 / Manchester Orchestra. For my good friend Mike.

4:15 - 5:05 / Cut off Manchester Orchestra (sorry Mike) to catch STARS's entire set @ the Coachella Stage

5:00 - 5:50 / Autolux

5:10 - 6:00 / Cut off Autolux early to catch the majority of Does It Offend You, Yeah's set back @ the Gobi stage.

6:15 - 7:05 / Metric

7:45 - 8:35 / Sia

9:00 - 9:50 / Murs

10:00 - 10:50 / CHROMEO

11:00 - ??? / JUSTICE

Definately saving the best 2 acts of the entire weekend for last. If I am still alive and breathing at this point, I can almost guarentee that by the end of the last 3 hours, I will not be. But, what better way to go out than by doing the D.A.N.C.E. (1 2 3 4 5)....

So that's it. Changes will be made. Sets will be skipped. New bands will be introduced and I will be better for every moment of it. Except the porta potty moments. But, regaurdless,

See you in Indio, bitches!!!!

coachella checklist

2008-04-23T01:27:00.001-07:00

cCoachella is approaching at light speed and thank fucking god about that, honestly. It's only 2 weeks into the new quarter and I can already feel my sanity / motivation spiraling downwards.

Anyway, I figured I ought to comprise a checklist of shit not to forget whilst I lose 5 pounds from sweating off the countless bottles of water I consume.

COACHELLA 2008 CHECKLIST:

1) 100 dollars for water, which is 4 dollars a bottle. So, if Coachella is 3 days long, waterbottles cost 4 dollars, and you have 100 dollars set aside solely for purchasing h2o, the age old question is introduced:

HOW MANY BOTTLES OF WATER WILL YOU BUY?

100 ÷ 3 = 33 dollars per day.

33 ÷ 4 = 8 bottles of water per day.

8 bottles of water per day = inarguable trips to the porta potties. love.

2) My shitty ass digital camera. It's tiny, light, and already in crap condition which gives me the freedom to either drop it or lose it, either of which is inevitable and will eventually result in me purchasing a new camera.

3) Good friends. everybody knows that if you have to watch Animal Collective because a certain somebody enjoys "music" comprised of a bunch of crap sounds and high pitched noises, you might as well adore the person forcing you into the situation in the first place.

4) Your favorite Radiohead t-shirt. Oh wait. Radiohead isn't headlining...

5) Clothes that breathe freely, allow movement, and will not show sweat stains. Sundresses, thrift store tanks, booty shorts, swimsuits. Little tiny pieces of clothing aren't skanky, but practical.

It's the hottest, dirtiest, most exhausting weekend of the year, assholes. Style means nothing. Long live the music.

6) Tolerable mix CDs, jerky, cigs, and boxed Franzia for the drives there and back from the hotel every morning and night.

7) Sunscreen with SPFS you've never heard of and desert proof headgear (ie: hats, scarves, bandanas, sweatrags, what have you)... Skin cancer and wrinkles are so not ever going to be in style.

8) Sunglasses in every shape, size, and color. Possibly the only fashion statement one is able to make in such conditions. Will protect your eyes during peak hours of the day, mask a bit of the haggardness that is your face, and make you look extremely cool when the sun goes down. Right?

9) Cell phones. No matter how fucking badly it is going to suck when a punkass ringtone interrupts The Bird and the Bee, you gotta keep connections. Lost in the midst of mass hysteria = not seeing your ride again for the rest of the weekend. Mute them, but keep them close.

10) Positivity. Duh. This is the best and most expensive weekend of the year 2008, and you are going to enjoy every goddamn second of it.

I will see you lovlies there.

I want to dance with all of you. I want you to step on my feet in attempts to get a better view of Prince on Saturday night. I want to use the porta-potties, spend 2 hours trying to get back to the hotel, pass out from heat exhaustion. I want to finally be admitted into the 21 and over beer gardens during off time. I want to see fucking Vampire Weekend, so sue me. I want to meet the uber-trendy unknown DJ.

But most of all, I want to stand next to my beautiful friends in the 100 degree weather, covered in sweat and drinking ridiculously overpriced water, listening to the bands that really have, throughout the past years, turned the world in which we live into a tolerable, even beautiful, place.

More lineup info coming soon, probably. I'm going to tell you the top bands and stages to be at, and you are going to be there.

Love, love love.

i got nothin

2008-04-18T03:15:00.001-07:00

Dragging our feet down the shoulder of Highway 1,
We are soaking wet.
The sky tastes like salt and death and big league chew.

The cars consider asking where we're going,
But if we knew, we wouldn't be here.
Walking somewhere.
Soaking wet.

I think, and then I wish,
That you become some omnipotent thing,
Just watching to make sure we let someone merge before us on the interstate.

I swear -
This afternoon will wash away to gold.
And the world won't turn without us.
Worries fading into those arrowhead shaped rocks
And even-spotted ladybugs -
The same we wished upon as babies,
When our lights went out, and we knew no better.

Now, again,
Let us know no better.

you fucked up bad, america

2008-04-15T15:24:00.000-07:00

An Attempt to Tip the Scales

2008-04-14T22:50:00.000-07:00

For you.

Now: Without further delay; immediately; at once.

The generation is now. Patience is a virtue of the past. We need what we need and we need it now. What we want has somehow warped itself into what we simply cannot live without, and with every passing day, accessibility has never been so easy.

Nor terrifying.

Here is a city where some people will work forever without any sort of glimpse of credit or recognition. Others will gain success by complete and total chance. Some will sleep in gutters. Some will live off trust funds. Some will simply live. In what might be considered the most revolutionary city in the world, careers are handed out on golden platters now, now, now, and an industry, a city, once so respected can ultimately eat itself away. Thus leaving us with an ego, lines and lines or strategically placed palm trees, a false sense of reality, and a distorted perception of measurements of time.

The recent acceptableness impatience.

Is it necessary to have constant connection to those around you? To give unto others what they want the very moment it is expected Feeding the fire that is burning down industries and families now, now, now.

Good intentions, bad outcomes. Bad intentions, shittier outcomes. No intentions, create your own goddamn ending.

Without instant connection, I wonder, would you or could you ever really disappear? Can you ever truly live for the moment without breaking that moment for thoughts of another.

Past or future, does the present even truly exist in a world that is constantly evolving towards the future?

And yet, our generation is now. It would be unfair to focus on the negatives, because isn't hope solely about concentration on the positive? Putting any glimpse of faith into what might still be good. People still care and people will always care because without this compassion, we would not exist.

Daily, there are innumerable contributions to society from people all around the world. The now generation presents us each with the invaluable opportunity to begin our lives with each new second of each new day. To change. To create. To take a stand. To reach out. Thus, there is beauty found within the now.

Photograph, smile, tear apart and paste together, look up, sketch, cry for what is, hope for what is not. Dream.

And know that it is okay.

Everything is okay.

It is shit, but we are okay.

So let's bum around and make out for hours in stuffy parking garages with shitty skyline views. Let's smoke our cigs to the filters and cheers to the nights that last until mornings. Let's drive with our windows down and no destination in sight - walk for the sake of walking and breathe for the sake of inhalation.

Enjoy your food. Speak your mind. Write your name in the sand and who gives a shit if the water washes it away.

To continuously evolve is only human nature, but instant answer Wikipedia bullshit is not.

So find the answers for yourself. Experience. Take the time to research. Learn something new and take pride in the fact that you are that much better for every single second.

Work for what you want. Get hired, get fired, and find a new goddamn job. Experience is the basis of any success. Learn. Grow. Deserve.

Viva la revolucion. What revolution? Go start one. Now.

Long live every single notch on the clock. Every second of every moment of every hour of every day.

And above all things, long live hope.

All the while remembering that we would not know hope without hopelessness. We would not know ignorance without intelligence. In the contrast, we find our strength. And we will be okay.

We are okay.

We are now. And while that is demanding, that is life.

Long live, live long, and enjoy, enjoy, enjoy every goddamned second.

4/7/08 Indie 103.1 Presents @ Viper Room

2008-04-09T17:58:00.000-07:00

So Monday night @ the Viper Room totally rocked it, props to Indie 103.1 for picking a brutally decent lineup.

(Golden Animals, The Growlers, My Pet Saddle)

Golden Animals opened.

They said they weren't used to the city lights yet and even though I've lived here for six months now, I know how they feel. It's really overwhelming to feel so tiny standing in a city with a sky that stays orange trapping in the lights that never go off. It used to terrify me, I think, the fact that I was virtually nothing in a city that already has everything. But shows like this and bands like Golden Animals make me realize that there is so much beauty in the tinyness.

If we can all stand next to each other, each one of us small and intimidated and entirely clueless, then through that togetherness we become something so much bigger. Music is such a fantastic way to highlight the significance found in being somewhat insignificant, and the bands just got it so so right.

Love, love, love is everywhere and I am right in the center of it all.

Anyway, everybody should check out Golden Animals. They sounds like what it would feel like to be driving through the desert at night time with the windows down and the radio quiet, and then pulling over to have sweaty, dirty sex on a kaftan your grandmother knit a million years ago, listening to another heart beating almost as loudly as your own.

http://www.myspace.com/goldenanimals

My camera wasn't cooperating during their set, but here they are loading their shit into their badass van and being totally friendly with all the drunkasses outside.

The Growlers followed. So different that anything I've ever been into before, but the greatest thing about LA music is that it really doesn't matter. You can throw away any standards or preferences you've ever had, and going to concerts becomes so entirely liberating. Anywho, The Growlers had a yummy lead singer with a real bluesy/soulful/twangy sort of voice, not to mention the sickest dance moves I have ever, ever seen. Killer suspenders (Alaska Logger) + 2 free CDs = beauty beauty beauty.

http://www.myspace.com/lbcgrowlers

My Pet Saddle closed and they were super fun. I love the girl on tambourine and vocals and the bassist who seriously never stopped smiling. The best part of going to shows here is literally being able to feel how stoked that musicians are to be playing for you. To be a part of some crazy LA scene and just knowing that everybody is watching them united by the same exact thing. I think that's fucking beautiful. Check them out kids.

http://www.myspace.com/mypetsaddleband

All in all it was a fantastic show. Crowd was great and booze was cheap, music was brilliant and my best friends where by my side.

Life is beauty full.

hi jason

2008-03-27T16:27:00.000-07:00

sometimes it's just good to know that there are still people who care, no matter what.

LA is full of things to do. it's crazy and gigantic and full of life and music. BUT, it's also stocked full of assholes. See:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=douche+bag

sometimes it feels like walking down the street with thousands of people around you, you really are completely 100% alone.

i guess that's when you suck it up and realize that your aloneness will never separate or alienate you. in the end, it only brings you closer to whomever you are walking next to. and that, my lovelies, is LA. that is life.

thus, we will get through this. i promise. maybe not side-by-side, but together.

here are some lame pictures from out the window that will never REALLY capture how gorgeous it is to drive from LA to San Fran all by yourself, listening to coconut records and bruce springsteen with the windows down and a green trucker hat on.

to those of you who read this randomly, whereva wheneva,

thank you.

to jason,

i love you foreva-eva-eva

going green

2008-03-27T16:00:00.000-07:00

sOsOsoOSosoososo...

triple happy st. patty's day @ The Viper Room -

this is what i knew before going out:

Johnny Depp used to co-own this club. River Pheonix OD'ed here. It's rumored that Johnny actually shot somebody here one night over some drunken argument.

this is what i know now, after going out:

super super super cool atmosphere, 2 stories, cheap(ish) drinks, okay crowd.

3 dollar Dewars whiskey & gingers = cheapest bar tab we have encountered thus far (and new obsession)...

10 dollar ticket charge to see Neon Neon and The Voom Blooms = completely worth it.

http://www.myspace.com/neonx2
http://www.myspace.com/thevoomblooms

2 very enthusiastic thumbs up for the Neon Neon. BUT in my opinion, the voom blooms killed it. 85% of Neon Neon's crowd left after their set, which left about 20 randoms + emmy, nat, and i. and one really great 40 year old lady who knew how to move. anyway, they're fun and they've got brutal accent,s and their music is catchy as hell.

a couple of shitty cell phone pictures since i left my camera in the car.

anyway. the place turned out to be pretty great, and one cheap taxi ride away.

go and see the voom blooms next time they're playing in LA, or anywhere near you i guess. i know they played a lot of shows @ the roxy and the viper room so check-ch-check it out.

peaaaaaaaaaaace people :)

puddle jumping

2008-03-13T17:10:00.000-07:00

hell week is over. speeches have been given, projects are turned in and it is all now completely out of my hands. i feel like i can breathe again, even if the air is smoggy.

cut copy turned out to be mucho fun. we showed up at the echo a little bit too late (sold out) and the doormen cut us off and told us to go the fuck home because we weren't getting in, which SUCKED. thanks a lot to you guys, btw. headed up a few blocks to the Gold Room to wait around to see CC play later @ the after party @ MJs or wherever the hell it was.

(the @ sign is so cool i don't think i am ever going to spell out the full 2 letter word again. also, Z's are the new S's, so that is just something to keep in mind).

random bar, cheap shots, 2 bowls of peanuts, dance dance dance, new friend, great music = late night, but totally worth it.

cut copy rocked it for free, which is better than cut copy rockin it @ the echo for 12 bucks, so. you do the math, genius. also, i didn't lose my phone, which consequently adds points to any drunken frolic.

so this is something to think about, if only to ensure that this blog has a tiny bit of substance once and a while.

it's the sigur ros video for Hoppipola, beauty-full. if you want a real kick in the ass, go ahead and watch all of their music videos. they'll really knock you the fuck out.

lyrics, too, translated from icelandic because they're pretty and i ♥ them.

smiling
spinning round and round
holding hands
the whole owrld a blur
but you are standing

soaked
completely drenched
no rubber boots
running in us
i want to erupt from a shell

wind in
and outdoor smell of your hair
i hit as fast as i could

hopping into puddles
completely drenched
soaked
with no boots on

and i get a nosebleed
but i always get up

and i get a nosebleed,
but i always get up.

ANYwho, olin & the moon tonight @ the silverlake lounge in silverlake (no!). it's cheap to get in and nobody plays til 11, so there is still time to slack off, nap, shower, and film some video footy beforehand. come if you want, it will be double love.

in the immortal words of borat, very nice!

i love you all, peace people.

oh the places you'll go

2008-03-10T18:59:00.000-07:00

i have so many pictures from the past week or so. every day in los angeles is a whole new experience. every day i see new things. the city is always changing and in the end i really think it's better if you just let yourself change with it. fitter, happier, more productive.

san juan

san clemente

melrose flea market

farmers market

freeways

olympic

i'll put some of the pictures up eventually. i should consider flickr.

anyway, cut copy is tonight at the echo. after party in silverlake. it should be crazy fun, which means that if you are young and cool you should probably consider the 30 dollar cab fare and hightail it out.

thanks to everybody who let me photograph you. your pictures will be around here sometime soon. you are all beautiful.

only the essentials

2008-03-06T07:32:00.000-08:00

i recently had a birthday that when i was younger, i never believed i would live to see.

i am now 21 years old.

looking back, some of the reasons i have survived for my beautiful 21 years:

random fearless explorations, francesca lia block, the trees in jackson's autumn, mr. herro, short stories, concert posters, graveyard nights with bryan j, wes anderson, live music,

polka dots, emmalayne rose, woody allen, destinationless driving, european adventures, taking pictures of anything and everything, lazy summer skate park afternoons, best friends,

dirt cheap wine, old boyfriends, mixing paint, antique postcards, high heels, kristina marie, hand holding, polaroids, fairytales, green green grass, foreign languages, lyrics that mean something, used bookstores, blue blue sky, arica obermann and her nicotine addiction, charlotte d and her beautiful cupcakes, thrift stores, people who smile when you need it most, clean air, oversized sunglasses, road trips, yellow yellow sun, star gazing, neverending laughter, national geographic, the pacific ocean,

the sky in montana, railroad tracks, finding the beauty in trashy LA, old sneakers, dad, bonfires, sleeping bags, newspaper clippings, stoked crowds, vanilla, 80s soundtracks, making movies with chris, jones soda, glory days, terrible outfits, thumbtacks, finding the beauty in smalltown idaho,

dj nights in LA and dancing like tomorrow won't ever come, folk singers, beautiful imperfections, mom, disneyland with the high school band, bruce springsteen in the summertime, harmonica melodies, shopping cart parking lot heroes, midnight parking lot discussions that end up meaning the world, conor oberst,

learning each and every day, living, laughing, crying, loving, breathing, holding on, letting go.

and every single one of my old yearbooks.

the challenge that lay ahead for the next 21 + years is simply this:

find comfort and solace in littlest things.

life really is beautiful.

for kristi

2008-03-04T22:30:00.000-08:00

i was listening to the new Helio Sequence album kristi gave to me today as i was driving past the jewish high school on the way to class.

it was beautiful. the sun was out and my windows were down. track 4.

i saw 2 kids leaning against the brick wall, gazing happily and kissing each other like they were the only 2 people in the world that mattered. like there weren't a hundred other kids outside smoking and gossiping and balancing on cheap skateboards.

it got me thinking about my high school years past. old sneakers and old friends, football games and ex lovers. and watching those two kids together, babies, really, though i am only one myself - it made me very sad. never in a million years did i think i might actually end up missing the things that i used to hate the most.

in the end, i think, it's just one of those things. a fishbowl.

because i am now on the outside looking in. that is not my life anymore, and i am not a part of even who i used to be. and maybe, maybe that is not such a bad thing after all. those babies looked so happy and so elegant, as if they were born solely to lean against that wall in the early spring sunshine and just be. together, free.

i thought, how could i have ever felt sad in high school? because seeing them today, almost upon reflex, i first thought only of how simple those babies probably have it right now. how that is something they will only realize with age and through consequence.

and then it hit me. those two kids who to me seem to have it so easy are experiencing the same shit that i once went through. and whether or not their situations seem to me less insignificant than the ones i face today, it really doesn't matter. because human emotion does not change. sadness, happiness, fear and loathing - they may all vary in degrees, but never in the initial feeling. those kids will feel as sad as i feel now and the reasons for are sadness are inconsequential. that is almost a bit comforting in the strangest way.

it unites us, then, doesn't it? through our feelings we are truly allowed to come together, and though it may be cliche, it is also entirely beautiful.

i said goodbye to the lovers only seconds after i said hello. i will never see them again and they will never know i existed. exist. chances are they will not last. and yet they will go on and probably find themselves one day in a situation very much like my own at the moment. confused, warm, and a little bit sad.

i can only hope that should they too find themselves there, that they might also be listening to the helio sequence.

through everything, now, i can only thank you for staying lovely.

party people

2008-03-03T16:58:00.000-08:00

walked to the El Rey last night for Z-trip and MSTRKRFT. woo woo!

we got there pretty late towards the last half of z-trips set and pretty much walked down the isle and stood in the front row. not too bad considering there were hundreds of people there before us.

the music was fantastic

and the crowd was pretty wild.

natalie heard that mstrkrft was spinning again at LAX so we cabbed it to hollywood to witness. i figured we wouldn't get in, and it was already like 1 in the morning, but we were all pretty sloshed so it seemed like a good idea.

it was.

another good crowd that we shoved our way to the front of. steve aoki was there playing around and he spun with them a little.

completely incredible.

LAX seemed fun, not completely overrun by douchebags with bad cologne, anyway. might go there again but not to drink seeing as i am currently jobless.

left my phone in the taxi on the way home and had to pay an extra 30 bucks so the cabbie could deliver it to me that night at 4 in the morning, but it worked out and now i've got my phone. 30 bucks is cheaper than a new one anyway.

the night was amazing, my friends are amazing, everything worked out.

i am in love with the city again, for now anyway.

the first day

2008-03-02T15:40:00.000-08:00

blogs are so silly.

i want to learn how do do all the cool things but i always get so lazy. this is like my fifth blog. each prior consists of an entry almost exactly like this.

anyway, we'll see.

peace&sun