for kristi

i was listening to the new Helio Sequence album kristi gave to me today as i was driving past the jewish high school on the way to class.

it was beautiful. the sun was out and my windows were down. track 4. 

i saw 2 kids leaning against the brick wall, gazing happily and kissing each other like they were the only 2 people in the world that mattered. like there weren't a hundred other kids outside smoking and gossiping and balancing on cheap skateboards.

it got me thinking about my high school years past. old sneakers and old friends, football games and ex lovers. and watching those two kids together, babies, really, though i am only one myself - it made me very sad. never in a million years did i think i might actually end up missing the things that i used to hate the most. 

in the end, i think, it's just one of those things. a fishbowl. 

because i am now on the outside looking in. that is not my life anymore, and i am not a part of even who i used to be. and maybe, maybe that is not such a bad thing after all. those babies looked so happy and so elegant, as if they were born solely to lean against that wall in the early spring sunshine and just be. together, free. 

i thought, how could i have ever felt sad in high school? because seeing them today, almost upon reflex, i first thought only of how simple those babies probably have it right now. how that is something they will only realize with age and through consequence.

and then it hit me. those two kids who to me seem to have it so easy are experiencing the same shit that i once went through. and whether or not their situations seem to me less insignificant than the ones i face today, it really doesn't matter. because human emotion does not change. sadness, happiness, fear and loathing - they may all vary in degrees, but never in the initial feeling. those kids will feel as sad as i feel now and the reasons for are sadness are inconsequential. that is almost a bit comforting in the strangest way.

it unites us, then, doesn't it? through our feelings we are truly allowed to come together, and though it may be cliche, it is also entirely beautiful. 

i said goodbye to the lovers only seconds after i said hello. i will never see them again and they will never know i existed. exist. chances are they will not last. and yet they will go on and probably find themselves one day in a situation very much like my own at the moment. confused, warm, and a little bit sad. 

i can only hope that should they too find themselves there, that they might also be listening to the helio sequence.

through everything, now, i can only thank you for staying lovely.