popped culture: And when you are left in doubt, inhale.

Hi.

Three months into 2009 and I am back. And for whatever it is worth, I think I am standing in a really good place, for now.

I am about to graduate into an economy that has very little to offer me, and for the past couple of months, that really been fucking me up. But now, as of late, I am choosing to embrace it. Keep your enemies closer, right? Whatever will be will be, and everything within my control will determine my next steps. It's really a powerful thing when you realize that nobody can sway your direction unless you choose to let them.

90 days went by and I went home for Christmas and realized I missed my friends but never wanted to live in Wyoming again. I turned 22 and I grew up a little. I realized that I want to go back to school and get a four year degree to teach elementary school. My dad had a heart attack and I started to pray again, a little, but on my own terms. I grew apart from things I held onto for so long in my past, and from that growth I let new people into my life, and have loved every second of it. I learned to look at my goddamn alcohol class as an opportunity rather than a punishment. I stopped smoking. I taught my first art class by myself. I got straight A's. I went to Disneyland and remembered what it feels like to be little and happy and free.

About a week ago, a very brave woman told me that nobody can ever really know the profound effect they may have on somebody else. And it made me start to think about things a little bit differently. You are not only living for you. You are living for others. And good or bad, you can change people. And you can allow them to change you. That's how the world works and that's how we grow up and wake up and continue to function through the 8 foot deep shitpool we sometimes find ourselves drowning in. I like that. I really do.

So now, I think my goal is to keep my eyes open for all of this change, and to let it empower me. To realize that no matter how terrible things like these 52 court ordered AA meetings may seem, they are around for a reason. This same woman I mentioned before also told me that night that my presence at these meetings might not be solely intended to educate me - that me being there might actually help somebody else, if only to feel a little bit more comfortable. And that is a risk I am willing to look at as a positive rather than a punishment.

In the end, this is what I know: There is sunshine, and I have strength and long hair and clothing and a roof and talent and a library card. I may have no real concrete plans, but I have people who care about me, and I know what I want. I figure that is as good a start as any.

Here's some pictures from the past 3 months of my life, FYEO.