The Resolution

Halfway through 2009, I realized that I was unsure of the point I had reached in my life. So I stopped holding expectations for what I thought the future should (or would) be. I didn't want hopes because I didn't want disappointments. I just wanted to see what exactly was going to happen and how it was going to do so. And so I did.

2009 ended with a lot of things brand new.

I graduated from college. I saw something through from start to finish, and I had the support, the companionship, and the respect of those around me who played such an enormously key part in my journey. I could not have done it without those people. I could not have done it alone. Admitting that was one of the hardest things in the world to do, but also one of the most important. Every man is not an island. I am not an island. And I am so, so grateful for that.

I moved from Los Angeles and lost a part of myself and gained a part of myself, too. It's so easy to want what you don't have, because in general, what is truly difficult, is to enjoy what you do have already. I am guilty of both of those things. In LA, I could complain that people were shallow and self centered and self righteous. But I moved, and I don't really believe that I got away from any of that. People everywhere are going to be shallow and self centered and self righteous. So the real challenge is letting it go. Being okay with the fact that it's hard to find people to trust and to love and to surround yourself with. Being okay with the fact that sometimes, you are going to be alone, because being alone is better than the alternative.

I got a job that I have loved and everyday it progresses into something new. I like packing lunches and going to work. I like having new friends and people to laugh with and talk to who understand me and where I am in my life. I like being the at the head of a team of people who are (for the most part) genuinely good. I like clothes (duh), and styling, and paperwork, and advertising, and buying and merchandising independently. I like having a purpose and knowing that things would be altered if I wasn't around.

I built a support system for myself consisting of my faith in the Lord and my faith in general goodness, my mother and father, my incredible new roommate, people I've let into my life, Taylor William Spongberg, my family. The books I've read, the novel I'm writing, the music I listen to, and the photos I take. And a lot of those things are the things that are going to be around regardless of where I go or who I meet. That's comforting. That's how a life should be, I think.

For the first time in my life, I am in a relationship that I can envision lasting. I love him and he adores me and I am lucky for that. I have reached a point where I am confident enough with myself to be confident with somebody else, too. I know now that I can be strong and capable even if I am alone, and so I can be strong and capable with somebody else. I owe him so much for allowing me to grow into who I am, because it wasn't an overnight process. I know that I can be weird, and insecure sometimes. But not so much, anymore. Little by little, I am less, and because of that, ultimately, I am more.

I've learned a lot of things about a lot of people I know and people I thought I knew. Good things, bad things, things that have been overlooked for years. I have experienced frustration. I have experienced let down. And I have been sad. What this all comes down to is the fact that people change, grow, and move on sometimes. Sometimes you outgrow one another, sometimes they leave you behind, and sometimes you move forward with them. Throughout the course of the year, I've learned to accept that, rather than attempting to keep things as they were as I'd done for so long before. Because that is just exhausting, and in the end, the only life that you hold semi-control over is your own. Change can be sad and scary, but it can be necessary, and it can be exhilarating.

In 2009, I know that I let people down. People let me down. Hearts were broken and new lives were started. Friendships were challenged. Motives were questioned. Lines were crossed. Yet still, lives continued in other states and mine, here in California.

All the while, all of these totally great things were happening all around me. Happening to me. My parents were exploring new facets of hope and love that I'd not seen before. Moving forward, together. Opening their hearts. Finding their creative sides. Becoming my friends while still being my teachers... The concept of true, politically incorrect, unabridged family reentered my life for the first time since I was young, and I was reintroduced to a group of crazy people who have helped to turn me into who I am, though I might not have always known it... Distance between my sister and I continues to bring us even closer together, and we are and always will be a unit together... New friends have taught me that things don't always have to be a certain way to qualify a friendship. Nobody has the upper hand. No judgement, no questioning, no manipulation. Just people being together because they like each other and because they want to be. It should be so simple. Friendship should never, ever cause you to feel bad about yourself for no apparent reason.

Through all of those things, as I was changing, I realized, so was everybody else. What an incredible thing to see.

I have heard time after time recently how grateful everyone is to see the end of 2009. And for the most part, I agree. But not because it was a terrible year, because I don't really think that it was. It was a year for learning, a year for feeling, a year for reconstructing, and overall, it was a year for growing up. So I look to 2010 with hope before fear, excitement before negativity, love before letdown, and strength before a white flag.

Maybe some of those things that were left unresolved in '09 will gain closure or seek continuation during the new year. Maybe they will fade away and disappear completely. Maybe monumental things will happen, and maybe the only thing monumental about it will be the ultimate stability that I've found. I have my heart and all of the people I hold inside of it, I have my health, and I have faith.

Whatever happens, the only resolution I choose to uphold throughout this new year is to keep my heart open.

I resolve to allow myself to experience both the good and the bad both, no longer shutting either out in hopes to keep my life stable. To accept both elements because I think I know now that this is the only way I can truly move forward. Everybody deserves both the good and the bad, and if I can remember that, I know that I will be okay.

Happy new year, everyone. Keep your heads high and your fingers crossed, always.